Friday, October 31, 2003

Trick or Treat

Dear AARP,


Yo. Thanks for sending me that Membership Registration Information stuff. You are very efficient. It was sharp of you to know that I am a very busy person, very young person who might be too busy to answer your membership letter in a timely manner, or at all.

Due to my busy, youthful lifestyle, I might have put it in a drawer and then forgot about it only to find it many, many years later after I am actually old enough to join and then I can at 2003 rates! That is super nice of you! I’m also pretty sure that you are behind the funeral pre-need post card that I received the other day – again, I am to busy and youthful to really need these things now. I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to file this information away, years and years and years before I actually need it.

It really shows you are on top of things and possibly afraid of losing your job due to inefficiency, someone must have talked to you and now you are really trying to stay on top of things. I also have this personality quirk that causes me to work very slowly on things like this. It can take me years to decide about magazine subscriptions

Membership has its benefits and I’m sure that when I am old enough to join, and let me be clear – I AM NOT OLD ENOUGH TO JOIN. I mean I’m like, really, really, really too young to join, it’s kind of laughable really. You need to cut back on the meth and take up yoga or tai chi or something else calming. You are really scaring the folks around you. Really. You are about a week away from an intervention.

Look, I eat dinner after it gets dark, I have no clue what is on PAX, I don’t even own a Buick! – I have a working knowledge of programming on The WB! I know what a Mandy Moore is!

To my knowledge I love Lucy is just something that comes on in the afternoon, after Hogan’s Heroes and before My Favorite Martin. Space Ghost Coast to Coast? I know what it is! I will be all over membership but - not for many years. Like decades.

I’m sure that this was a mistake, I know that a few years ago while at college, in a fit of youthful public mindedness, I registered to vote and someone at where ever they deal with that, somebody mis-entered my date of birth. I know that somewhere it is written in an out dated, possibly buggy data bank that I was born in 1952 (according to your in- correct records you obviously bought from some fly by night date of birth salesman) I was not born in 1952. This was a mistake that I had corrected as soon as I discovered it. I was so young a few years ago at college that I was tempted to use my incorrect birth date on my voters registration card to buy beer. I did not use my incorrect voters registration card to buy beer. Honest. Girls didn’t have to buy their own beer.

This isn’t the first time I have had to write you and point out your wrong data. I know how much paper you must deal with - I feel you on that – but even I am not this far behind. As I told you a couple of years ago when we had this same conversation, I am really, too young for your club. Like very. Notice, I use “like” as a modifier.

So to sum up. I not old enough for your service, not now and not soon. Don’t call me again, ever and keep your preneed funeral plan post cards out of my busy, youthful life. I’ll call you as soon as my busy, youthful lifestyle allows.

Peace Out Dawg!

Thursday, October 30, 2003

Through the Glass(es) Darkly

I’m gonna get new glasses! I’m gonna get new glasses! Okay, no one else is as excited about this. I am very excited. My old pair, they were once only my glasses, now they are my old glasses. Memories… anyway. They got scratched. I was very careful with these. I don’t use soap on them, I dry them with only clean, soft clothes. I do not let the dog use them as chew toys. I have been very careful. Kind of. As long as I remembered to. I mean in an often way, like almost daily.

But they got scratched. I don’t know the scratch that broke the camels back but I kind of think it may have been when Dogger tried to climb her leash while in the middle of an intersection and caused me to fall down and the glasses to hit the pavement. In front of an audience. People got out of their cars to help me while this gigantic dog appeared to forcing me to the ground probably to tear my throat out. It was a great moment in Dogger ownership.

Kitty has helped scratch them to. He has knocked them behind my bedside table and made my lamp fall on them. Most of the scratches appear to have come from me drying them. No matter how careful I am, I could use extra virgin baby blanket quality fabric and they would still get scratched up. This time they are in slightly better shape then my last pair was when I got rid of them. I can see through this pair.

Today when I went in to get measure for my bifocal line, yeah, they have to do that, they were much nicer to me then when I went in the last time. This time they all ready had my visa number so I think that may have had something to do with it. When I was just in there fondling their stuff they felt comfortable ignoring me. Now that they had my money, or at least access to it, they couldn’t be nicer.

So a week. Other people can get their glasses in about an hour? I wait a week.

I finally watched 24. Is that it? That what all the excitement and newsprint is about? Freak Outs and Hard Looks? I mean, Keifer is a hotty and all. But that was what all the critics wet themselves over? Was it better then first season? Did they hand out really good drugs to the viewers some way? Some kind of video heroin ? I think its like Cats.

It wasn’t bad, it just seemed rushed and artificially dramatic. Keifer squinted, drove around, tried and failed to shot up. That was interesting. I liked the Keiferster better in his young buns incarnation, his hair was much better. Maybe if Jack Bauer rode a horse. Hmmm.

That 70s Show comes back tonight. Yay! Well, not as a big a Yay as I was about it last season. I think I watched it too often in syndication . Also, I loathe Ashton Kutcher. A Lot.

I also noticed that the Yankees did not win the series, I found that out yesterday. I’m a football person and not a Yankee fan . Or a Marlins fan. To be honest, I’m a Ranger fan which is like showing up to cheer on the rabbits’ race with the turtle. Poor Rangers. They suck so much, so often and so well.

So is “winter” going to last a long time? It was warmer today and the sun stayed out. I guess it was just a tease. Watch, it’ll snow tomorrow.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

It was a dark and stormy day

It didn’t help today that it rained all day. And never got light. At all. All day it was predawn gray.

You can not wake up when its that color outside. You can’t work in that. Time did not work the right way. It is supposed to pass, it froze. I kept working away, doing my little thing. Copying, copying, copying. And time did not pass. I went to go check the clock to make sure it wasn’t broken or still set to Daylight Savings. No joy. It worked, it wasn’t set wrong. I reset it myself Monday.

And it was so dark all day. Gross dark. Not dramatic, stormy dark – something to look at and talk about “Look. It’s So Dark…” and it was wet. Dark and wet and not in a good dark and wet way. In a cold, damp, gray way. Blah.

I kept myself busy making copies and redacting. Mostly to avoid my office. It’s very cold in there on a good day. On a day like this it is just miserable. People kept asking for files and making me go in there. Very thoughtful. There is nothing I like more then time not progressing and being cold. Par-Tay.

I did have to go out at lunch in the rain to pick up my prescription, the one the doctor’s office couldn’t fax to the glasses place on Friday because the Doctor was on vacation and he wasn’t going to be back till this week? And he had to sign it? Bull shit. It was stamped with his name.

The day did finally pass. Slowly.

Finally. Time to go home. In the rain. It was really raining in a snotty way. In an “I’m not going to stop, I’m just going to keep right on raining, Na Na Na” way. Tonight is Puppy School. Tonight was Puppy School. There were two messages on my machine once I finally got home. One was from Brosky from like Saturday. I really hope it wasn’t important and one from Puppy School.


I was all ready to put on the rubber boots and rain coat and got stand in the parking lot and put Dogger through her paces. It was not to be. I know have time to really drill her on the one thing we learned last time. Yeah.

I’m home and its time for Dogger to go outside. She was cool for the initial out the front door pee, cause it was fast. In and out. The she had dinner and then it was time for the real trip out in the yard. She was all right until we got down to the basement and she realized what was about to happen to her. She stood at the bottom of the stairs and looked at me like I was the worst kind of dog abuser. She was all set to call Animal Planet and narc on me to the Animal Cops. I was like “They don’t live here! Go outside!”.

No Puppy School and No Walk. It’s like Christmas! I don’t have to go outside! I don’t have to rush around! I can stay here on my chair and watch Angel!

Poor Dogger is out in the rain and the mud and I am in the house on the chair in front of the TV. Good Times.

I have thought about ways to free both of us from her bowel and bladder needs. I have tried to talk to her about holding it in or refocusing her energies. I have lectured her on using a box like Kitty or the toilet like me. She is not able to grasp this. Sad.

When all this failed, I talked to her about getting a colostomy and a catheter. How this would free her from the rain and mud, how she could be like the Kitty and just lay on the chair at night and listen to the rain instead of having to go out and talk to it. How it would be a good thing. She didn’t get my explanation. I drew her a couple of pictures. She bit me.

Tuesday, October 28, 2003

What A Pretty Day! Go To The Lake? Nah! I Think I’ll Mow The Lawn Instead!

Do you know why single people get married? Why they go through the hell of dating? It’s not to have sex, it’s not because they are ready for a relationship or they are looking for love. They are tired of doing all the damn work around the house themselves. They are tired of having to mow the lawn and vacuum the living room.

You know. One or the other. Mow or vacuum. Not both. Same skill sets, same basic job. Big loud machine power issues - if you don’t pull the cord out you run out of gas. They are both annoying. You can rock your allergies to grass and dust. Different environments same issues. I am tired of doing both. I shouldn’t do both on the same day. It upsets me.

One person mows the lawn the other person vacuums the carpet. I don’t mind doing one or the other. I resent doing them both.

You can vacuum whenever but you can only mow the lawn some of the time . You get more “points” for mowing. Its hot, you get sweaty, you can’t do it naked. You can’t mow at 7 am, or when it’s raining or dark or when you’re naked. You can vacuum first thing in the morning or late at night or when you’re naked. And you have to mow. You can blow off vacuuming until you have to pull out a rake or something bites you. No one can see how long it’s been since you last vacuumed, unless they are looking through your curtains and then they have issues and you have a reason to call 911 and you still don’t really have to vacuum cause the cops don’t care. They assume slovenliness. But the neighbors can tell it’s been two weeks since you last mowed.

You can only mow when it’s nice out. Why do you want to waste a nice day mowing? Nice days aren’t for mowing. Until you buy a house. No more nice days for you! No more laying out for you, no more heading out to the lake, no more lazy weekends for you bub. There are only good days to work outside. After you have worked outside all day you don’t want to vacuum. The neighbors can’t see what condition the living room is in. Watch TV in the dark and you won’t have to either.

One person mows the lawn the other person vacuums the carpet. I don’t mind doing one or the other. I resent doing them both.

I’ve looked around and noticed that I’m not alone in the house. There are two other entities in the house and they are not picking up the slack. I feed them they should at least sort the magazines or something.

Kitty does more then Dogger does. Kitty will from time to time dust. He maneuvers under the furniture and behind things. He kills bugs in the basement and possibly upstairs too. I don’t want to know. He does spread his box dust around and I hate feeling it under foot. I’ve talked to him about this, we’ve had meetings. He won’t pull out the dust broom and clean it up. Lazy bastard.

Dogger is completely useless. She won’t come when she’s called, and she won’t scrub the bathtub. I hope Puppy school takes care of this. She only participates in keeping the house tidy through indirect action. I have to bath her, Kitty of course bathes himself, but he’s a cat. Anyway. After Doggers bath the bathroom floor is soaked and I have to wipe it up. I bath Dogger about twice a month. My kitchen floor doesn’t get a good cleaning that often. Actually, Dogger does cause the kitchen floor to be mopped on occasion. But I still have to mop it. Not Dogger. This doesn’t count, causing me to clean is not helping. Mopping the floor or toweling off the bathroom floor myself is not helping me clean. It is causing me to clean. Dogger doesn’t not do the cleaning herself.

Advantage Kitty.

Monday, October 27, 2003


I decided to take advantage of my health insurance benefits and went and got my eyes checked. I can do this every year. If my script changes more frequently then that I have to foot the bill for new glasses myself. Last year there was a change, but not enough of a change for me to pony up for new specs. So I persevered. This year I score new frames.

So there I was. 5 pm on a Friday. Looking for frames. The place is open until six so they didn’t really need to give the attitude. They did any it any way. It is much better to try on frames when you can actually see so I didn’t do it at my doctors office while my eyes were all dilated. That and he had no selection and he didn’t have many that came with clip on sunglasses and the pair he did have were for men. I used to be very butch and not wear sunglasses at all. Very butch and too cheap to pop for prescription shades that I would have to replace every year. So I did with out and suffered the headaches, watery eyes and sun damage. For frikin’ years!

Then I discovered clip on sun glasses. I had to pay way too much when I discovered them. Like way, way too much. Like more then my rent at the time too much. And then they got the prescription wrong – which the very chic babe at the place blamed on the frames being so much smaller then my last pair. Bull Shit. Even sadder, I believed her – what? She was chic! And a babe! And wearing the same frames! I thought, I too could be a chic babe in those frames! I really wanted those frames. I over looked the little problem in the glasses boutique ( dead damn give away) that I could not actually read the huge El Phoenix sign that loomed in the window. I could have spent significantly less at the chain place in the same shopping center and still got the prescription wrong, but the chain place smelled funny and the frames were all really big and plastic. Not chic at all.

I paid for my vanity. Good thing I had a better job then and could afford vanity. Those were the days… Anyway. Expensive Charlie’s Frame Boutique, after I sicced my doctors office on them twice, fixed the problem. I should have sicced the Better Business Bureau on them.


So this year I went to the frame store. And got ignored. I wandered around touching their stock and got ignored. When I finally – it was a record for me, under an hour, finding frames as fast as I did with out help. It is a real problem trying to find new frames. I can’t see with out my glasses and to try on different frames I have to remove my existing glasses. And look blindly into a mirror trying to differentiate between this blur and the last blur and did either of them look good on me. And with out help. I finally chose a pair that may have looked better then the other pair I had liked or not.

I won’t be able to tell until I get them in a couple of weeks. And that won’t even happen until I hike back to my doctors office and pick the script up myself. According to the frame place when they called the office up they were told that the doc was out of town and had been and thus they couldn’t just fax it because he had to sign it before or some nonsense. So. Tuesday. I go back to Doc Vacations office and pick up the script. Get the script that I think he should have given me in the first place got back to work and fax it myself to the frame people. Then and only then can we start the whole process.

This is why I don’t take advantage of my Health Insurance Benefits. I feel like I’m being taken advantage of.

Sunday, October 26, 2003


Saturday, October 25, 2003


Friday, October 24, 2003

Back To The Back Yard

I have to go into my back yard. I try to give Dogger her privacy, the yard is her space and frankly, she isn’t doing a very good job with it. It has even less grass then it had before. I think my yard is a boy yard. It seems to be suffering from male pattern baldness. I wonder if Propica™ makes a lawn fertilizer.

I had been hoping that Dog was back there maybe doing some gardening, planting some bedding plants, doing something with the iris plants back there. They really need to be separated or whatever it is you do with old iris plants when you do things with old iris plants. They hardly bloom.

I would have also hoped that Dog might have been picking up after herself. You work and you work to get the animal house trained and they repay you by shitting all over the yard. She doesn’t even try to cover it up or bag it up or anything. The cat at least buries his. I guess, in theory I could go out there and dispose of her droppings but that would include me going into the yard. All the way into the yard. Not just standing at the gate or at the bottom of the stairs. Going into the actual yard. Ick.

The yard was relatively nice when I took custody of the house. It actually had grass when I moved in. It had grass until Dog started to spend more time out there and ate all the grass. I did try to reseed last spring but the rain dispersed the seed and I ended up with a green driveway – as my drive way is paved, this was not the outcome I was hoping for.

The easiest outcome for the yard now would be to pave the whole damn thing. Dog wouldn’t approve and I don’t think the nice neighbors would either. It would also make it even hotter then it gets now. It would also end up flooding my basement more often then it floods now. As much as I like launching boats from the top of the laundry machine and watching bugs drown … repeated flooding can’t be good for the house

The first thing I should do for the yard would be to rake it. But I don’t like raking and since I have not liked picking up after the dog – I don’t want to think about what would end up getting raked. Also, blisters and I have very nice work gloves. So far I have kept them nice by not actually working with them, I’m saving them for good. You never know when you will have a call for dressy work gloves and I will to be prepared for that eventuality.


The yard sits and stews. And hatches more mosquitoes. Despite the fact that there is nowhere for them to mature or whatever they do before they burst out of their little coffins and suck our blood. Vlad the inhaler. So, full of shit, no grass and home to Mosquito U. Charming.

Dog does her best to make sure that whatever I do back there gets destroyed immediately. She very happily undigs whatever I have buried and will keep unburying it as fast as I can get the dirt back into it. She is very patient. She can wait the whole ten to fifteen seconds it takes me to get back into the house before she gives in and puts it back asunder.

… and then I look out my window at my nice looking dirt patch, see what she has done, shriek at her through the window, go back outside, grab my shovel, scream at her in person and fill the hole again. Get all lathered up, rinse my hands of the whole thing, repeat.

Have a good Weekend!

Thursday, October 23, 2003

Darkness Falls

What is this? This darkness thing? I took Dogger for her usual walk at her usual time and it got unusually dark. I don’t like this. I have to spend the first fifteen minutes drilling Dog on her new Puppy School knowledge and that eats daylight. I may have to rethink the timing of homework.

She didn’t do her climbing the leash and making a spectacle of herself thing. More then a couple of times. I did the tuggy thing and that did have some effect. It made her stop sooner then she might have untuggy. I want her to stop the climbing all together. I don’t want to tug, yank or otherwise hang the big furry beast to make her stop. She of course wouldn’t do it at puppy school. She was Teachers Pet last night. I’m going to have to have Brosky tape her doing it so I can show the teacher guy.

Speaking of this darkness thing. I think we have a time change coming up soon. Like this coming weekend. I’m not sure. When I was in high school and standing in the dark at a bus stop, I viewed the time change as a good thing. Now, I view it as a way to make the animals wake up earlier then I want them to. I really don’t mind taking Dogger out in the dark in the morning. Sunlight is over rated.

I’m hungry. I don’t think I want spaghetti and I’m tired of the skewered chicken. I had a bigger lunch then I’ve had for a while so I really don’t need to have any more food. I think I’ll have ramen. It’s not really the same as food but it’s filling and tastes like food. I don’t know though. I could also just go for some hot chocolate . I could also have tuna if I still have some. Dogger had enough treats on our walk to keep her happy all night. I want some people treats.

Now that winter is more then just a vague idea, with this darkness business. I’m going to have to finally put my summer clothes away. I didn’t really do it last year so it may be a nice job to actually put it away this year and figure out where I put the winter stuff last spring. I don’t think I put it anywhere, I’m pretty sure it’s the dark stuff at the bottom of my closet. Since it’s and I’m reasonably assured that the dark stuff isn’t anti-matter, I’m pretty sure it’s sweaters and this poorly thought out stretch corduroy jumper that makes me look like a furry hot dog. And yet I wear it.

I did have to reach into the darkness and pull something out and I did find a serviceable sweater. It needs to be washed but I’m afraid of washing sweaters, so I may have to stand out in the rain or something to get that done. My blazers all have torn pockets, while I like playing hide and seek with my keys never, I have never done anything to fix the tears. I did try one time to staple them shut but that didn’t really work and it caused me to get little cuts on my fingers. Tape doesn’t work either and then I end up with sticky fingers. I could, in theory sew them shut but if I hurt myself with staples, imagine what I do to myself with needle and thread.

Once upon a time, in a Costuming class I took , we were told that bleeding on a costume was good luck ( bleed on the inside of the fabric, please!). I’m sure the actors were just thrilled to know we had been told that bleeding onto their costumes was a good thing. “ OOOOOh! Look! Someone bled on my dress! Yea!! I’m going to kick this shows ass!” Right. The same went for shedding blood on a set pieces, as long as it wasn’t visible. The show that I left a good chunk of my finger on a large, hungry wall unit was the luckiest show ever.

Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Puppy School – Week One

There is no chance that Dogger is going to come out of the class with out a prize. There are only four dogs in her class so she’s at least a shoo in for least at least a yellow Participant ribbon and possibly, Miss Congeniality.

I thought there was going to be a lot more in the class. Today there were only three dogs total with a baby boxer to start next week. Daisy was the biggest dog there and also the oldest coming in at 14 months. The other dogs were both under a year, one is a wild and crazy puppy, the other is a pure breed German Shepard. It is more mature then I am.

The Obedience guru said such nice things about Dogger! My Dogger!? The very dog that thinks CDs are just oddly shaped chew toys and that I make a great maypole? My dog had nice things said about her? I about fell over. He said she was a one in three hounded dog! A dog that could go hardcore obedience trials! My Dog!!! Baby Daisy!! .

Today just being the first day he just showed us ways of getting our dogs to sit with out us having to tell them too and with out hand signs. It came down to repeatedly tugging, but not hard tugging, just tuggy tugging to make them sit when I the owner wants her to. He also suggested some dog treats that I will be buying tomorrow over lunch.

He said to make it work we always should reward our dogs right away. No making them wait. They do the thing we want them to, we release them, they get treat. They do what we want when we want for as long as we want, they get released, they get snack. always.

He said also we shouldn’t do obedience while we do our walks. Do the training first and then go for the walk. Later on after we are more progressed in the class we can do obedience training while they are on their walks.

Dogger will be obedient, she will do (and did) what a person who is not me tells her to do? Dogger barely does what I want her to do. We will both be paying attention in puppy school. Because otherwise? It’s a month of dog basic training for her and I don’t want that. I want my baby to learn from me and not from some crazy dog whisperer trying to turn her into some soulless canine automaton.

Another example of Dogger having the potential to be a good dog? I went to a Kentucky Fried for dinner after class. I thought this would be a fast trip. The Jews weren’t left wandering in the desert as long as I was standing in that line. I was behind some John Madden manqué and his buddy the equipment manager, buying dinner for the whole team and a woman and her son ( who would not stand still. I was thinking how a nice yank on a leash would stop that. Or if his mother would just tell him to stop, stop, stop before the nice lady standing behind them in line, killed him) buying dinner for everyone at church)

I was inside . Dogger was alone in my car. Alone. In my car . In my car full of edible things. I was standing there in line occasionally looking out the door to give her the evil eye, trying to see what she was eating now; and she wasn’t eating anything. I was going through my mind trying to think what I had in there that she might like. I have a book I’ve been reading at lunch, I’m not that into to it but its what I’m reading. I have my sunglass case for my late, lamented sunglasses, a bunch of receipts – her favorite thing is shredding paper, unguarded and very similar to the dog bed that shediddestroy, seat cushions, seat belts, steering wheel… doggy heaven. I was very worried and the line was not moving and there were all these people behind the counter, ostensibly working there and yet the line was not moving and my dog was with my car. Alone.

Finally after about thirty five minutes waiting to be waited on. I got placed my order. I got out of the store and went to survey the damage.

Nothing, she didn’t chew anything. The Dog Guru thinks she has potential. My dog has been replaced by a Pod.

Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Five More Things

1. Name five things in your refrigerator. - A cloudy bottle of orange blossom honey. I bought the honey cause I some cooking show and they went on and on about honey and the different kinds and how what the bee eats makes a difference in what the honey looks like and tastes like. I learned at the fair that the honeys produced in this state are different colors depending on what part of the state the honey is produced in. An almost empty jar of lite mayonnaise, a can of beer, a bag of carrots and a tub of butter. That is about it. I had left over spaghetti but I ate it. I don’t have a lot in there from day to day. I don’t cook and when I do I don’t make enough to have left overs. If I’m going to cook something I go to the store and buy it that day. I don’t cook enough to have food in the refrigerator all the time. It would just go bad. I keep thinking that eventually I would have a refrigerator full of food and condiments but it hasn’t happened. I am embarrassed for people to look in there. It makes me look like a pathetic bachelor. The beer isn’t even mine.

2. Name five things in your freezer. - Some frozen fish that probably needs to be thrown away, one lonely boneless skinless chicken breast, a plastic container with frozen brown ice that used to be juice from a long ago pork tenderloin, it was good so I saved it. A package of two lasagnas from Sams, a package of skewered chicken, an orphan hamburger patty waiting for me to buy more hamburger buns. Again, not big with the cooking. Sometimes I go crazy with the George Foreman™ and make chicken breasts or hamburger patties every night for a week. I get bored of that and go back to Ramen. I love Ramon. I don’t know why they make other flavors then Chicken. Who eats those? No one buys them. It’s all about Chicken Ramen. I know it, the makes of Chicken Ramen know it. You know it. I’ve heard that they all taste like Chicken but I doubt it. I don’t even want to know what Shrimp Ramen tastes like. Ick

3. Name five things under your kitchen sink. - Blech. The last time I was under there it seemed like everything under there was empty. I have a whole stock of nearly empty bottles of cleaning formulas. I don’t know how they get empty because I spend so little time actually cleaning anything. I wait for some sort of kitchen disaster to really make it clean. Its not that the cleaning is too hard, but by the time I have thought about how bad it could be that I get depressed and have to leave the room and the cleaning. I do have to mop the floor regularly because the dog tracks in the wetlands in the spring. Most of the space under there is taken up with the disposal and the unworking hot water on demand thing. There are also scrub pads, a couple of whisk brooms and some carpet cleaner. I also think there may be bugs in there.

3. Name five things around your computer. – Other then the printer ( broken) speakers, screen, scanner ( not plugged in) and hard drive there isn’t a lot of room. There are two stuffed replicas of Kitty one big one little both Ty™ , a very realistic stuffed rat also Ty™, a yellow plastic flashlight, a yellow plastic ducky and assorted paper I can’t use because its printed on both sides.. On the folding table next to the computer are a half dozen plastic Shrek™ toys, a handful of hair scrunchies, a dictionary ( yes, I do have one) a magazine extolling the virtues of Demi and Ashton, and a scarf.

5. Name five things in your medicine cabinet. - I don’t have a medicine cabinet. I have one, but I don’t keep anything in it! I keep all that stuff in the kitchen! I am so edgy.

Again thanks to my friends at the Friday Five.

Monday, October 20, 2003

Par-tay! It’s The Weekend! Woooo!

I did a couple of the projects on my if there is nothing else to do, To Do List that I had been meaning to do but hadn’t really found the time for. There is always something I would rather do then vacuum out and change the paper in the cupboard where the cats box lives or track down what is causing the kitchen to smell. I was betting it was something in the trash or the garbage disposal, I have rotten aim and I figured that something that was supposed to end up in the garbage (several weeks ago) might have ended up near but not actually in the can or that something might have immigrated down to the disposal and died.

Yeah. No winner there, the mystery stank was actually Mr. Kitty’s cupboard on the other side of the house. I had really been hoping that a good grind up with the disposal would make the place smell less like a scratch and sniff episode of Cops.

I knew I had to do something when I walked in the door and had to ask myself “What Died?” and then “How many cat’s do I have”. It was strap on a respirator and rubber gloves or vacuum the living room or put the two weeks worth of laundry away. I also decided it would be more fun to clean out the entry way at the bottom of the basement steps and suction out the drain there. And when that wasn’t enough of a thrill for me, I gave the dog a bath and laundered her towels. Woo – Hoo. Then I vacuumed the front yard, the grass isn’t growing anymore and raking the yard and bagging up the leaves is just blister causeing , and I just don’t want to do it. I did it, after the storm and then I was, “how can I not do this again?”.

If I did go to the trouble of bagging all those leaves I light miss an I Love The 80s marathon on VH1 that I have only seen three times or an episode of Designing for The Sexes that I haven’t all ready snarked on or an in-depth article on Sarah Jessica Parkers favorite brand of nail polish in Us that I need to read. It’s all about setting your priorities.

Being a grown up looked so much more dynamic and exciting when I was a child. I don’t remember my Mom doing any of these chores. She went to the super market all the time! And every single time an into some one she knew and who she had to talk to Right Now! For about three days. This was very exciting. She went to the dry cleaners! And the drug store and The Place to get that thing! All these exciting errands. Fun, Fun, Fun! Go in the car, drive someplace! Go somewhere! Weeeee! I wasn’t a child I was a golden retriever.

One time when we were kids, she had a friend or somebody over to the house and they were having a very serious conversation at the kitchen table about Whither Our Public Schools or whatever and my friends and I thought we were going to starve to death since it had been a whole hour since we had been fed lunch and we were going to die if we didn’t have whatever was in the kitchen (not a damn thing, My mother didn’t buy snack food or sodas or sugar cereals or anything else we wanted to eat. The only things we were going to find to eat in there would be Grape Nuts™ or carrot sticks. Neither of which lent themselves to covert ops). We decided that we could sneak into the kitchen and take food out of the refrigerator while the grown ups were talking and they would never notice and we wouldn’t get into trouble for bugging them. We totally did not understand that a child crawling across the kitchen floor dragging belts and kite string behind it was not going to pass undetected.

We thought we were being very Harriet The Spy.

I don’t remember what the outcome of the mission was. It probably ended up with no snack, carpet burn and being locked outside. Mom was tough.

Sunday, October 19, 2003


Saturday, October 18, 2003


Friday, October 17, 2003


It’s State Fair time again. Yay! I love the State Fair. Granted it isn’t as good as the State Fair Of Texas but I can go to our fair grounds at night and not get dead. I can either have a real gee whiz, whiz bang State Fair experience or I can not be found dead in a field. It’s a trade off.

I’m not a big game player or ride goer oner. Games and rides cost too much and take time and money away from Midway Food and people watching. It is also hard to take picture while hurreling along at 60 miles an hour upside down. When I was little I loved rides but I think I over did it and now they just make me nauseous.

The picture taking thing is the best part. I love the Midway at night. All those very photogenic lights and lit up posters. They look great – it’s what all those Christmas lights do in the of season.

I knew the fair had started up. I had been dreading it as when the fair is over and the flea market comes back ( they share the space) there will no longer be puppies sold at the flea market. I love the puppies, they are the only reason I went to the flea market when I first moved here and the first thing I look for when I go there now.

I go there, went there to self medicate myself with a little puppy therapy. The best day I had puppy stalking was before Christmas last year when there was a couple selling Weimeroner puppies. I grew up with a weim and I loved her dearly. I couldn’t in a million years afford one of those puppies, but I was able to hold one and it made me so happy I cried. I hadn’t held a puppy like Moon since she had been a puppy and I didn’t appreciate it then because I was pretty much a puppy too.

I did, we all did a lot of weimeroner stalking over the years but never really got to that close to one and now, one was hugging me. It was the best day ever. I really miss our Moonie a lot. She died when I was a junior in high school. I had to stop reading Dear Abby because there was always a letter from some one asking her what to do now that their dog had died and they felt so awful. This was usually proceeded by a several paragraph long explanation of this dog and how wonderful it had been ( our dog? Much, much better then their dog, still every time? Tears) I got really tired of sobbing at the breakfast table every morning and had find something else to read in the mornings.

Anyway. The Fair is back. The lights, the food, the freaks! I am going to haul off and drop some money on a new camera ( I did and it wasn’t that much) so I can take it with me when I go. The last year I went I was shocked when I got my pictures back, they were so good. I couldn’t believe it. They turned out like they looked through the view finder, I had to ask if they were actually mine. I take pictures of Christmas Lights every year and they, every year, turn out like ass. I would have to take a lot to make even one turn out right. It’s all about film speed, too slow they turn out grainy, too fast and if you breath while you are taking the picture it and it ends up all blurred and not in that Arty “I did this on purpose aren’t I the with it photographer” way – 800 speed film is what you need. I wish I had learned that before I spent a fortune on 1200, 1600 speed film and got nothing but a lighter wallet.

I saw the Ferris wheel tonight, all lit up. Like magic. It wasn’t there and then it was. Brigafair! I can’t wait.

Thursday, October 16, 2003

If you haven't read this yet, read it. The link will take you to Tomato Nation, the site of the auther, Sars. If you have all ready read it, read it again. Yes. You. Are
The Good News - The State has been using coupons and going to dollar movies and shopping at Goodwill and is ready to pay us State Employees our long promised $550 bonus.

The Bad News - They are including it on our regular check, so that it can be taxed as one amount. What do we actually going to end up with? $234. Thank You North Carolina! Bastards.
Yeah. About the entry for today. My lame ass dial up will dial up but it won't let me get my mail off the server or access sites or really, do anything. So. I had a great morning. The dogger also didn't want to come inside and I had to get my cowboy on and go rope that doggy to get her hind end back in the barn so I could go to work. It wasn't until after I had rassled her into her box and tried again to make the machine work that I noticed the little splotchy things on her carpet. She scraped one of her paws while she was wildly careening around the back yard and now the paw was bleeding. So I had to do dog first aid on the foot and go around the clean up the splotches from the rest of my carpets and floors. Very satisfying morning, let me tell you. I will have the previously scheduled entry for today, it's just going to be late. Very, very late.

Wednesday, October 15, 2003

Raining Cats and Dogs

It’s raining again, more lyrics I don’t actually know, la la la its raining again It had stopped for a while. It was nice. Dogger could romp in the back yard to our little hearts content. She was digging again, but it was in dry dirt. It was a pain but it wasn’t leaving her with muddy feet.

Since it has rained Doggers holes are forming a series of trenches. I think they will be great for raising baby fish and tadpoles. If it rains tomorrow I’m going to pull out my Wet Lands application . A cold front is going to come through sometime tonight and it could bring rain. If it gets cold I may have my own Tundra in the making. It could be very exciting! Instead of a tribe of previously unknown native peoples I could have a tribe of previously unknown North Lands Snow Aborginals. Dogger could dig them snow caves and the huge enormous Oak would keep them stocked with wood for their fires.

Dogger loves this cooler weather. She actually runs around in the yard and does all those cute dog things. She is Frolicking! I am trying to get her used to frolicking in and out the basement door, this she is not grasping as well as I thought she would. She should remember this door and the way into the house. In my plain by the time it really gets cold she will go in and out of the house through the basement and save me having to go in and out with her. I am hoping that this will help keep my electric bill down this winter. Last winter it was ungodly high and I really don’t need that again.

It should help that Dogger doesn’t need to be taken out every half hour or so like last year when she was a puppy. It also should help that I have a fence this year and she can go out by herself. All the opening and closeting of the door was really a big power suck.

We didn’t get our walk today. I should have, I’m a bad Dogger Mommy. She is going to be a basket case for the rest of the evening and I will pay for my laziness. It’s Raining!!! I don’t wanna to go and walk around in the rain! It’s cold and damp and blucky.

I don’t think Dogger really likes walking in the rain either. She doesn’t want to stay out as long and she seems to be glad that we’re home. If I could teach her to use the toilet that would really be a big help. I wouldn’t have to open the doors at all.

Dogger and I start Puppy School next week. Dogger doesn’t know it yet but she can’t wait. She really, really wants to please and I think she will find Puppy School a lot of fun. She liked learning Sit and she is still working on Stay and I bet once I know how to really how to make her do things she will be very fulfilled. Maybe I’ll learn to teach her tricks. Tricks like “Not Chasing The Cat” , “Not Eating My Socks”, “Not Eating Kitty’s Luvey and Playing Keep Away With It With Mommy”. I’m especially looking foreword to that one. My floors really would like her to learn better in door games. Like “Watch Mommy Watch TV”, “Play Nice With Kitty”, “Keep Self Occupied” , “ Don’t Pee on Aunty Alphagal or Uncle Broskey” . Sigh I’ll let ya’ll know.

Tuesday, October 14, 2003

In a Different World

I was going to have this be about what I think would be in a perfect world, but I decided that in a perfect world there would be no motivation to make it a better world and that would be bad.

So I can forgo curing all diseases and ending poverty and torment and abuse. I am a realest after all and I know that some things, despite our best efforts will always be with us. I want to live in a perfect world just like everybody else, but I would settle for just living in a better world.

To proceed - A Better World Would Be Free Of :

Reality Television – I hate it. I blame the threatened writers and actors strikes several years ago. These crap factories have turned Humiliation and degradation into spectator sports and that’s not right. These episodic nightmares bring many of our species worst characteristics to the fore – greed, lust, suspicion, ignorance, Jeff Probst. To a show they are all bad remakes of Lord of The Flies and that ended so well for all involved! So of course it is used as the template for these train wreaks. People behaving like animals is so entertaining it’s hard to tear our eyes away. Rubber Neckers. I was a Rubber Necker until I saw a dead body on the road. My neck is now set in concrete. All of that doesn’t matter to their legions of loyal viewers – they never read that book, or any other that didn’t have pictures or was written in words with more then one syllable. And if they did have aspirations beyond picture books they certainly don’t after a steady diet of Survivor, Fear Factor, Big Brother, Paradise Motel, Joe Millionaire, American Idol, The Batchelor, The Batchlorette, Who Wants to Prostitute Yourself, Paradise Motel. These broadcasts make us easier targets for manipulation.

Video games/Computer Games/Gameboys, - I hate them too. They suck. They turn previously fairly normal people into trolls. Add Anime into the mix and we end up with Quentin Tarentino. A troll with really good hand eye coordination, a lack of social skills, and an unhealthy compulsion to believe that King Fu has useful applications in everyday life. They also let you kill a lot of vaguely human things, in very nasty, bloody, repetitive ways and not care about them. Very much like a Quentin Tarentino movie. Or

FOX News - Neo-Nazi hate speech mixed with clap trap, nonsense, spin, lies, half truths, rhetoric, misinformation, propaganda, party line, cant , lies, deceit, falsehood, fabrication, mendacity, deception, garbage, baloney, twaddle, drivel, gobbledygook, gibberish, babble, jabber, dishonesty, fraud, cheating, and con games masquerading as “news”. In my mind, French or pardon me, Freedom kissing a corrupt and treacherous administration is not actually the same as reporting the news. Unfair and Unbalanced coverage makes Jack a dull witted boy.

The Republican Party - The folks that brought you Dick Nixon and Watergate are bringing you an even more grotesque corruption and molestation of our trust then that famous Republican party game. We had The Presidents Men, the Best and Brightest, all liars, jackals and con men. The good old days. I could go on but it becomes liable and I fear the GOP goon squads. If anyone is interested, there is a demonstration in Washington to exercise our constitutionally protected right to gather. Go there October 25 to express your displeasure at what the administration is doing to us. Exercise your rights before your rights are exorcised. Carl Rowe and the rest of the neocons hate the constitution so it may be in the process being rewritten. Make sure you have a cop as it stands before they start to convince you that you are remembering it wrong.

Everything and Everyone who for their own ends makes us as a people less bright, less curious, less likely to question, less likely to disagree, less educated, less brave, and More Scared

Monday, October 13, 2003

1984, 1985, 1986…

I’ve been hypnotized by VH1. I’ve been splayed out in my living room watching I heart the 80s or whatever. Before that came on I watched something on the S.S on the History Channel, I needed to chill out a little. A( feeling very mellow and relaxed and then they messed it up by trotting Ronald Reagan across my screen. Eww.

So. 1984. I remember 1984. I was a High School freshman. Again with the Eww. Thanks VH1.

But anyway. Miami Vice, Bruce Springsteen, Transformers. One weekend while I was still in Junior College I went to visit a couple of friends at their school. They both had dates the night I got there so they set me up with a guy they thought I would have a lot in common with in, they thought that because we both wrote for our high school newspapers we would have so much in common and blah, blah, blah. He wore a cape and he had a Transformer fort in his dorm room. I think that if I had been a really nice person I would have drowned him.

Wow, I didn’t realize that Prince was 1984. In High School we had a stereo in the girls locker room, or rather, when the athletic dressing room had been left open we stole the tape player from the athletic girls dressing room and it had the Prince tape stuck in it. We listened to Darling Nicki everyday when we were dressing out for gym. I’m sure the boys dressing room had Prince himself performing liveand heat. They gave us a hard time because we came out to the gym wearing all these layers of clothing and they were in shorts and tee shirts. Bastards. Title What?

Awww. Cindy Lauper. I liked her. The first time I heard She Bop I was visiting my grandmother in San Francisco and I was listening to a pre - Walkman™ radio and I found that song. I thought I had a found a Chinese radio station and that Chinese was much closer to English then I thought, cause, ya know she? How universal?! I had no idea. Took me years to learn it was about masturbation. I Touch Myself was so not as cool.

And all that other 80s crap. Those kids toys. I didn’t do those. I was too old. I never had a My Little Pony or a Strawberry Short Cake I thought those were gross, Holly Hobby was what it was about. I didn’t like seeing little girls walking around with Strawberry Shortcake tee shirts. I didn’t like making little kids into consumers or like that. I of course went on to work for Barney, so .

That whole child as consumer thing was old school bull shit though and why Ebay is so popular. The 1950s were all about marketing the characters to children. It just seemed so much more crass in the 80s. Everything was crass in the 80s.

I can’t get way from this. I am paralyzed on front of this show. I have things to do. The dog needs to be walked, the laundry needs me. I need to clean the cat box. I can’t! I need to know what Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black think about The Cosby Show! I need to be validated by various cast members of Six Feet Under and Ed!

It has been hours. The whole decade didn’t take this long. I can’t sit here but I can’t get up. I am their prisoner.

All this stuff wasn’t as interesting then. I hated all the stuff they are talking about . It really isn’t interesting now. If I want to watch John Hughes movies, I can watch them. I guess it is nice to know that other people crushed on Andrew McCarthy. And they totally over look Some Kind of Wonderful and it is such a great movie. I should not need some guy on some cable show on some cable channel I don’t even get , to tell me that “yes, that movie was good” - But I really need Hal Sparks to agree they were good movies. I also need Punky Brewster to agree as well. I hated her show. Big Time. I hated everything. I was mad at James Watt.

Madonna? I was watching the VMAs or the MTV Awards or whatever it was when she did her whole Like A Virgin schtick. I remember all those little white trash wannabes and their 47 plastic bracelets and lace crap and I thought they sucked. I did not get it. I didn’t buy Like A Virgin until years later. Now I’m watching all this shit and getting all gauzy and back lit about the whole thing.

Okay, changing the subject. If the little old ladies house across the street has a great big funeral spray on the front porch, Does this mean she may be dead? Are the eight cars parked in front a give away? Am I really thick? I don’t remember there being a funeral spray on my grandparents front porch when my grandfather died. Hmmm.

Sunday, October 12, 2003


Saturday, October 11, 2003


Friday, October 10, 2003

Happy Friday Ya’ll!

Nope, gotta do better then that. I got nothing. I can’t face another Friday Five. I trying to get out of town tomorrow and it suddenly dawned on me that Friday is now. I signed up for a pot luck at work not thinking that October 10th was not the same as Friday, the Friday. I really wish I had thought about it though. I’m preparing food for a lunch I’m not even going to be at. I’m thought I would just ask Lunch Buddy to take responsibility for dealing with it but it turns out she’s not going either, she has an appointment to get her hair cut over lunch. Damn.

While I was not keeping track of time and dates, I discovered my wardrobe was lacking and I needed something to wear. I went to Goodwill over lunch and really lucked out. I scored a 100 percent silk sweater and rayon poly skirt for a total of $8. I was feeling kind of flush so I also picked up a couple of $1 tapes too. I needed another Falco for my collection. I also got a really nice chenille sweater for like $4.25.

I rushed home after work and got my pot luck chicken pot pie in the oven and started to get myself packed. I still need to get the dog and cat squared away so they can leave too. Dogger is staying with Aunt Alphagal and her cousin Dogs while Kitty and I go with Brosky to my parents for a couple of days.

So that means that I need to look at the Doggers' food supply and deicide if she has enough to get through the weekend ( I think she does). I need to gather Kitty’s stuff together and try to remember where his box is. I can probably buy kitty dust once I get there. Kitty has plenty of food.

I’m going to need a book too. I was reading the most recent SNL tome, because I am back in love with Bill Murray and he is quoted extensively. Sigh. We’re really not going to be there long enough to do any serious reading but if I don’t bring something along I will develop a lot of free time that needs a book to fill it. I looked at the books at the Goodwill but they didn’t have many and the ones they had sucked. I had a conversation with a lady over a copy of The One Minute Mother. She said that books like these are way everybody is in therapy now. Those books said you could have it all and if you didn’t it was because you sucked. The 80s were harsh.

The pie is out of the oven. It smells a bit more like broccoli then I had thought it would. I should have gone with the frozen stew veggies but they looked too big for a pie and the frozen veggies I bought looked more colorful . I hope they eat it tomorrow but I bet they don’t. Nobody eats my food when I bring it in because I use “foodie” spices like garlic and rosemary. I think the next time I’ll just put in for the fried chicken. Cheaper, faster, less clean up.

I’m also going to have to spend the morning worrying about the pie not being warm. I don’t have a food warmer thing to carry it in and so it will have to be refrigerated. And thus chilled. I wisely used the metal pie plate to back it in too. Brilliant. Because otherwise I could have zapped it in the microwave. Moron.

Maybe if I put it back in the oven tomorrow morning and wrap it up it will be all right. It will look like the Beverly Hillbilly’s chicken pot pie, but maybe it will at least stay warm.

Have a good weekend!

Thursday, October 9, 2003

Random Ranting

My regular lunch buddy decided to get hypnotized today instead of eating lunch with me. I tried to tell her that a good burger can be hypnotic and more of a value for her dollar. I am beginning to think that a house in need of attention is less of a money pit then an attention seeking psyche. Can a person have psychiatric hypochondria? I think I could be neurotic so I must be neurotic.

I am all for medicating away problems but… what if your shrink has his or her own diagnosis? How many psych diagnosis can one person have before it lands them in a padded room? If one pill makes you smaller and one pill makes you large, should you go ask Alice or are you over medicated? If you can’t sleep, do you drink too many sodas today or do you have insomnia? If you snore is it allergies or sleep apnea? If you start projects and can’t finish them, do you need to reprioritize or are you hyperactive? If bad news makes you sad for a while, are you sensitive or clinically depressed? If your doctor wants a new boat does that make you in crises and in need of three day a week therapy? Or does it mean that it is time to stop making excuses and get your own shit together? What if you can’t? what if the shit has hit the fan?

I set out in the rain again and went to Wendy’s. Why can’t McDonalds take plastic? If a second world burger place can manage it why can’t the Burger Superpower get it together? I should have known when I walked in the door and collided with a line that I should have gone for pizza. The last time there was line in there was when a hurricane coming through and everything else that sold food was closed.

The place was full of children. Preteenage Children. All talking at the tops of their very high pitched voices. Is the concept of using your inside voice inside lost? Why are eighth graders not in school studying earth science , forgetting their locker combinations or picking gum out of their braces. And why are they taking a field trip to a fast food restaurant?

This Wendy’s has an additional dining room right off the main dining room. The brats could have easily been directed to fill that room so as to not take seats away from the people who all ready have breasts; Instead they pulled most of the tables together so they could recreate the school cafeteria at Wendy’s! Oh Goodie! How like very!

I was in a room full prepeople who think American Idol is high art and that Sweet Valley High is literature and that the WB is relevant.8th Graders!

And I had wanted to eat lunch.

I finally got through the line and went to the alternative dinning room to eat in relative tweenfree peace. They followed me. They decided that some French fries were like female French fries you know, and that some were like male French fries, you know?

They paraded around the restaurant to show each other their, like male and female fries, you know?. The squealed about their fries. They squealed about squealing about the fries. The squealed about squealing about squealing. Not once did any of the parents along on this magical mystery tour tell any of the braying brats to take their seats and shut the hell up. Not Once.

Wendy’s added to my pleasure by translating “Plain and Dry” to “Cover in drippy salad fixings and orangey sauce”. Ick. If I had wanted a salad I would have ordered a salad. If I had wanted a salad with orangey sauce I would have ordered one. I ordered a hamburger. I got a drippy burger and braying children.

I don’t think it was done Dave’s Way.

Wednesday, October 8, 2003

Baby You Can Drive My Car

More From My Friends at The Friday Five

Ahnuld is the Governor of California. A moment of silence please.

1. What vehicle do you drive?

1993 Nissan Light Truck. My first new car. I paid for it with all my own money despite the fact that for most of its wonder years I was only occasionally employed. These are great trucks, they run like iron and will keep running as long as you take care of them. You don’t even have to take good care of them. They are very well behaved little vehicles. Mine has been a very good little friend. It took me to my first real job and from Texas. I bought it because a lot of my friends had trucks and they seemed to like them. I think it was one of my better decisions got a reasonably good deal on it and still got the color I wanted. I must have looked at every light truck made in 1993. They kept trying to show me these really fancy trucks despite the ongoing problem that I didn’t actually have a job. I really feel in love with one. It was like a rolling Lazy Boy ™. Very nice - Not for me, but very nice. There was also the problem of the dealerships. My Mother and I went to one and they insisted on speaking to my father about the trucks. He wasn’t even there. Another turned me off his trucks my reveling that the trucks he sold were really for high school boys and the trucks were little better then toys. I don’t see many of those trucks on the road any more. I see my truck everywhere. When I finally found my truck the dealer was suffering from selective hearing. I kept giving him one number and he kept hearing another. It was a lot of back and forth. I won.

2. How long have you had it?

September of 93. I can’t believe I’ve had that truck for 10 years. It is still a nice looking little truck. It got it’s first scratch not a month after I got it when I lent it to a girl I worked with so she and her boyfriend could move. That was the last time the truck moved any one with out me. Have truck will help move. I got to where I dreaded seeing people walk up to me smiling. It always meant they wanted to ask me something. It was always “Hey! Whacha doing this weekend? Are you busy? Hey, could you do me a big favor?”. I had to look at that scratch for a good year until I discovered touch up paint. I got rear ended not long after that. Hit and run. Fortunately for the Asshat that nailed me, the truck has a real bumper so he just bounced away. It wasn’t until last year that someone hit me and didn’t bounce away. A low life rammed my truck in the parking lot of my apartments. I heard it happen and promptly jumped into the Nile. It wasn’t my car. It wasn’t what it sounded like any way. A neighbor came to my door and told me to get out of the water. I called the cops. And waited. And waited. And went inside. And went outside . And waited some more. Finally Doogie Howser shows up and tells me about this cool liquor store robbery he was taking care of instead of me. After I told him my new best friend neighbor had told me about what he and his friends saw and pointed out the crap left over, he filled out his little report and went to talk to them. I gathered up the evidence. I got a nice big check from my insurance company and the low life got a warrant for his troubles. The girl whose car he was driving got spanked by her insurance company and scored a ticket. Both are going to hell.

3. What is the coolest feature on your vehicle?

It came with a kewl stripe effect down the side. It also has the Chrome Package and it’s an automatic. I drive a girl truck thank you very much. It is also Red. A good red, not one of those ketchupy reds that fade and get pink.

4. What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle?

The radio is failing and that is a major bummer. The tape player died a year ago. The radio more or less works, the volume has some sort of short in it. I am not enjoying this. I went to a used car site to see what my truck is worth now? I’m going to keep it until it’s a classic. Right now it’s worth more as recycling then as a vehicle. Makes me sad. I love this truck. It has been very, very good to me and I am forever grateful for it.

5. If money were no object, what vehicle would you be driving right now?

I don’t know much about cars. There is a very useful looking car-truck thing that I would like. I also think a station wagon would be nice or a minivan. Red.

Tuesday, October 7, 2003


Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.

Robert Lewis Stephenson (1850 – 1894)

And how did he know that Ahnold would some day decided to run for office? I had no idea that guaranteed good box office was all you needed to be governor of a large state. I’m sure the other governors are a little put out, having put in years of unsexy public service in boring, staid, work a day positions before finally getting into the Big Show. The fact they wasted all those years and all that knowledge about laws, and policy and codes and legislation not to mention the electorate to have to face Ahnuld.

They spend a lot of our hard earned cash learning about us or their version of us. How poor, rich, educated, religious we are. And to think that actor is going to get elected and he knows nothing about anything. I should run for governor. I’m a citizen. I’m old enough and I’ve never held political office. Go Me! . If those pols had known that all they really needed was name recognition and good box office... Golly. I hope to God that California doesn’t get screwed and if it does, I hope it knows that the GOP just wants them to sit back and enjoy it.

Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.

John Kenneth Galbraith (1908 - )

The more I learn about the choices that are available for me to vote for the less I want to vote. The more I vote against instead of for. I will however, Vote. I always vote. If I don’t vote I can’t bitch and I never give up an opportunity to bitch. If I vote for the tree hugger is the tree hugger going to have it in him to get the damn trees out of my power lines? will he have the balls to really prune or will he get all precious about each little twig? Are they twigs more important then my electricity and if so why?. That is my single issue. I am tired of my power going out every time the wind blows. Will this guy, the lesser of the two evils, help me or keep me in the dark? Will voting for the more evil keep my lights on or does he want me in the dark?

It also allows me to be self righteous with people who don’t vote. I have so little to be genuinely self righteous about, that I grab onto any little bit I can get. Sadly, most votes do come down to which candidate seems like he will wait the longest to peal off his mask and reveal that he really is the low down snake his opponent kept claiming he was. It would be easier as a voter if they would just let their reptilian selves just hang out. If they are all going to misrepresent themselves they could at least admit from the first that they like eating bugs and their idea of a good time is sunning themselves - just kind of ease us into their snaky thing.

One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.

Plato (427 BC - 347 BC)

Our leaders are not really folks who work and play well with others. No matter how loudly they claim to be one of the common man, to feel our pain, to understand our problems – they don’t because they can’t. You can’t understand about having no money when you have money. If your biggest financial issue is not getting your check book balanced you can’t understand about not having a check book – about spending every dime you have every month just to feed yourself and keep a roof over your head. You can not save for a rainy day when it rains every day. And these are the people who are the least likely to vote. The people who need to vote the most, who need the most , who get the least. They don’t vote thus they don’t count. If you don’t care about who gets elected you will get a body elected that does not care about you either. Back again to the if you don’t vote you can’t bitch argument. When only morons vote only morons get elected.

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary

H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

Doesn’t this sound awfully familiar? Like something we read in the paper everyday? Like something we experience on a daily basis? Hmm. Could it be we are being played? Lied to? Made fool of? And what can we do about this? Vote! Vote! Vote!

Monday, October 6, 2003

Suiting Up

Have you ever looked into your closet and saw nothing? I have approximately 3500 different vests, at least that many tops and blouses, half of them plain white. See?nothing.

I blame the lax dress code at work for this. The whole dress code is Do Not Come To Work Naked. That’s it. We must wear clothing. So. I have a wardrobe made up of clothing. Most of it either navy blue or white. I could wear a uniform and still have more variety in my wardrobe. Despite this, I’m the best dressed person in the building because I can’t bring myself to wear track suits or shorts to the office. I do have standards.

It does make it very easy to get myself dressed in the morning. My biggest issue is when my stockings grow a run between the night before and the next morning and I stick my whole foot through it. That can set me back several minutes while I hunt through my stocking drawer to find an unrun stocking that matches the existing unrun stocking. I am not at my best before seven ayem and this can really mess up my day.

There is an event this Friday and it turns out it is not something I can wear jeans to. Even new jeans. Well. So I go through my closets ( buy a house, you’ll score multiple closets) .

So I’m going though the nonwork closet and I find a number of things that I haven’t worn in a while and I don’t hate.

Contestant Number 1 -When did I get this? Was it always this short? Why did I buy it if I can’t get it closed in the back with out assistance? Have I ever worn this? Did I buy this because it was cute and on sale and I figured that one day I would wear it to something and thus make it worth whatever I paid for it? Did someone give this to me? Is it even really mine? Should I give it back?

Contestant Number 2 - I like this. Very multicultural. Very retro. This is great. Hmmmm. This is a Halloween costume. Next.

Contestant Number 3 - This is another Halloween costume. Do I never throw anything away? It isn’t even a naughty school girl outfit. It is a dorky school girl outfit. Next.

Contestant Number 4 - This is not a Halloween costume. What is this? Did I wear this to some employee recognition thing? I hope nobody recognized me in this Eww.

Contestant Number 5 - I like this. It’s the wrong colors. Too late summer. To shiny. Oh My God! Too Mother of The Bride! Next!

Contestant Number 6 - Too Job Interview. Next

Contestant Number 7 - Too Something. What is this! Why? why? do I have this? Must. Not. Go. To. Any. More. Sales. Must. Not. Try. On. Clothing. When. Feeling . Thin. Waaahh

Number 8 - No.

Number 9 - Did I buy this under duress?

Number 10 - HA! grumble, grumble,whatwasIthinking?wasIhigh?! this isn’t wishful thinking this is delusional! God! I’m not even Bridget Jones! I’ve turned into Cathy!!!

I need a dressy suit. A dressy suit to wear to this thing that does not make me look like either an administrator of some sort of nonprofit agency looking to talk grant money or a wandering televangelists wife looking to talk Jeezus. A suit that says “Hi, I’m available, but not for rent”, something cute but not pink, or black or wool, something autumnal but not orange. Or Navy. Or sailor suit – y , or clown suit - y , or civil suit – y. What I really need to know is, can I find one for less then my mortgage payment that doesn’t come with Joan Crawford’s shoulders? or a used copy of Dress For Success stuffed in the lining?

Totally Off Topic

While going through yet more paperwork I found an old missive from my friendly neighborhood Kerrs Drug store. In bold face type it says Some Pharmacies come and go. Has Your Pharmacy closed recently? Kerr Drug Is Here To Stay! Liars.

Even Further Off Topic

They played selections from the Rocky Horror sound track at my church picnic yesterday afternoon.

Sunday, October 5, 2003


Saturday, October 4, 2003


Friday, October 3, 2003


Cats in Costumes Mr. Kitty would never, ever, ever entertain such nonsense, so it’s really kewl that these cats do. Read the FAQ, meet the cast and check out the episodes.

So. You’ve decided to go Evil A step by step guide to evilness. How to be evil, think evil, how to pick minions. A must read for anyone with evil intentions.

It’s called Cruel.Com Funny, in a kinda mean way. My kind of place.

Can you fly a helicopter? Wanna play like you do?

Rather Good. Com, Viking Kittens, Way Fun

Celeb Gossip.All. Of.Them.

Okay. That should hold you. Have a good weekend!

Thursday, October 2, 2003


It is time for new jeans. The current pair has a hole in the knee and they are starting to be too raggy to wear to Mass. I’m beginning to look like a street person coming in to mooch the A/C. I don’t want to wear them to work anymore either. Last week someone asked if what color I was painting my office.

The problem with the whole getting new jeans thing is that most places won’t let me mow their lawn or bath their dog in trade.

The good thing about jeans is that they sell them everywhere. You can almost buy jeans at the gas station. So finding them won’t be a problem.

It hasn’t been so long since I last bought new jeans, I am aware that there is a huge variety of choices. I don’t want choices. I am not buying jeans to suit my moods, no “mood” jeans for me. I want jeans I’m not trying to make a fashion statement. The good thing is when you get to my, um, age the designers hardly think that buyers over 13 even have minds, much less mouths, they don’t expect you have the mind to make statements with your clothes or actually, if you must make such statements , they prefer you don’t wear their clothes while you do it.

We are supposed to be old enough to make our statements ourselves. We aren’t supposed to be hiding behind out fashion choices to make our statements for us. We are supposed to be either beyond statement making or such loud mouths we walk around buck naked for our causes.

This however, is not getting me into new jeans.

So where to buy them. The last ones came from The Gap. I am poorer now. I can not fall into the Gap unless they are having a very good sale. Also, there are no Gaps in my neighborhood.

You can buy hair my neighborhood or if you have cash you can buy barbeque on any corner or if you have a lot of cash you can buy crack or a whore or a crack whore in my neighborhood . You can not buy jeans in my neighborhood – because ya know, poor people don’t need clothes. Or books. Or restaurants. Or coffee. Or movie theatres . Or video rentals. Or home improvement stores. Or Pet Stuff stores. Or furniture not wrapped in plastic and bought at the same corner you buy your BBQ . Or as of days from now, Drug Stores either, cause the poor old people and little sick children can just totter down the road, cause the harder it is for them to get their medications, the faster they don't need medications anymore. Kerr Drugs felt bad for their their investors, poor, wittle investor-westers! helping to prop up a failing store (read not very profitable) instead, this neighborhood needs fried chicken places (four!) , low end groceries with out pharmacies, pawn shops, fake bank check cashing places, discount beauty supply stores, bail bonds, bargain basement lawyers, store front vanity churches, used tire stores, and who can have too many SROs! (single room occupancies) We don’t need the stuff everyone else has . Nah, we like taking field trips to the great white north (of town) to do those things. Why shouldn’t my neighbors, my neighborhood be able to live and shop in our own damn neighborhood, why should we have to drive miles out of our way to get anything? we don’t even live in an actual "bad" neighborhood. Why is it that there is nothing here? I wonder is there too much of the ‘hood in my neighborhood. One can only imagine???


I need to buy new jeans. I like Old Navy but I can’t wear their jeans because I have all ready gone through puberty and I do not have an eating disorder. I am also not eleven. Bummer.

The we have The Gap, again, unless I fall into a sale, not going to happen. Well, unless I find a Gap. I could check out Target, but that way lies other stuff. I do not need more cute plastic plates or any holiday vests. So, no Target. Wal-Mart, ewww. Sams? I don’t need a 50 pounds of crushed walnuts either.

I’m going to have to go to The Mall. I hate the mall. All those things just sitting there all pretty and new. All those things I really need. All on sale! Or more or less on sale. Have I mentioned that waiting 8 months for a top to go on 75 percent off can take the bloom off the rose?

Now I have a project. Project Buy New Jeans Still Have Enough Left Over To Get Through Month.

Wednesday, October 1, 2003

Lassie Needs To Call Me

Dogger did a cute thing today. Yesterday I tried to take her for her walk but she was threw a temper tantrum and we didn’t even clear the drug dealers yard. It was embarrassing, my dog freaked out in front of the pot heads, junkies and low lives. She is normally very good in front of the pot heads, junkies and lowlifes. She’s kind enough to save her freak outs for the privacy of my living room. Anyway, today we successfully cleared our yard and went the other way down our street, I think she gets upset by something at the drug dealers. I think she’s embarrassed now, to walk in front of the pot heads, junkies and lowlifes.

So away we go, she did her Disco Dog thing as we crossed the street, I’m catching on to her Disco Dog act and I’m trying to remember to shorten her leash before we start across streets. It works, she still dances but she also chokes herself in the process. I hoping that enough bad dance experiences will sour her on the art form. I think pottery would be a better way for her to express herself.

Okay so we go to the post office so I can pay my visa bill and we head back to the house. Plenty of Disco opportunities for Dogger only two actual dance routines! Pulling back hard on the leash really works. Looking on the positive side, I think that the freak outs make her look all fierce and uncontrollable. Very Scary. Screw with me and I will sick my big Disco Dancing Dog on you. Just try me,pot heads, junkies and lowlifes!

We’re about half way back to the house and I tell Dogger to “Go Home”. I let my arm loose and let her lead. She choose the exact route we had taken on the way out. Not our familiar route past the dead gas station and down past the drug dealers house. I just said “Home, Home. Go to the house” and she did! She was so good.

I’m thinking that if I ever get shot in a drive by or get hit by a stray bullet, I could just gasp “Home, Home” and she would go there. She did want to lunge in front of traffic, but after I made her sit down she really looked both ways before she lunged the next time. I think she could be Lassie. A big, dumb, Disco Dancing Lassie.

I could be laying there bleeding from a stray bullet and she may very well run home. Right into traffic, but she would go in the right direction. I don’t know what she would do when she got there. “Go to the nice neighbors and have them call the police or something”. I may have to work on that part. “Okay, girl! Run to the neighbors, you know, the nice ones? Okay! And tell them Mama got shot and needs help? Okay? Can you do that? Good Girl!”. Maybe I could go with giving her the keys and having her run home and call the cops from my house. She might need to develop a prehensile thumb. Maybe she could use her Dew Claw. It’s just sitting around doing nothing most of the time. It’s like a little thumbette – y thing.

When I’m not thinking about ways my dog could alert the neighbors or call an ambulance for me, I think about that it was not warm this morning. It seems like it is fall.

This is the furthest east I have lived and when I first moved here the short days in the fall and winter were a surprise. I remember one time I looked outside and saw how dark it was. I thought it must be really late and I needed to get my stuff done before I went to bed. So I hurried up and cleaned the cats box and did my little night time chores, changed clothes, picked out my stuff for the next day all that. I got all this done and finally checked the clock. It was like 8:30. Dayum