Wednesday, March 31, 2004

Crouching Rabbit Hidden Danger?

Every year at this time I get an email from the powers that be alerting us all that we are now entering Bunny Drive Season and the time is now to go out and pick up a bunny for the less fortunate. The powers gather the bunnies and distribute them to people at state run homes, hospitals and schools. It's very sweet. I am normally again any kind of state-sponsored sweetness, but even I can't resist the call to go and shop for a bunny.

Last year I bunny shopped endlessly. I hit every discount store, grocery store and card shop I ran across. I fondled literally dozens of stuffed bunnies. I have certain conditions under which I will buy a cute and fluffy bunny.

There can be no wire in on or about the bunny. No possible weapons! I don't want anything that could poke somebody's eye out. That would not be festive. I also want a bunny that looks like a real bunny. So that cuts out a huge percentage of Easter themed bunny rabbits. Also, no bunnies with clothes. I do make allowances for unwired scarves or ribbons or bows and if it is really, really, cute - a hat, but only on a bunny that appears to be an older bunny. There is a difference between a grown up bunny and a baby bunny. Baby bunnies have floppy ears and grown up bunnies have ears that stand up with out the help of wire! . Joan Crawford didn't have my level of wire hate.

Bunnies can also be posed in not real bunny poses, but no bunnies with books or gardening tools, again, no weapons or poked out eyes

The bunny can not have weird stuff appliqu├ęd to it. I don't want a bunny with a rainbow or a flower sewn to it. My bunnies don't have tats. I also have a problem with bunnies with eye shadow or eyeliner. It's not nice.

This year I decided to not over think the bunny issue. I went straight for the Walmart, I know, eww. Walmart. But. I'm poor and I need a bunny. Enter Walmart.

I went right after work, after a lengthy conference with myself about the Dogger and Kitty and how this change in the routine would affect them. I could have gone home and fed and walked her and fed Kitty then gone to the store, or I could have fed and walked her and fed the Kitty and taken Dogger with me to the store, But, but, she might eat the bunny in the car on the way home, so after going back and forth on it, and going home for lunch to put Dogger out, I went with go to the store right after work.

Walmart sucks. I hate Walmart. I had to wander all over the damn store to find the stuffed rabbits. They had taken every single stuffed rabbit from all corners of the store and hidden them. I found an employee and asked where they had hid all the damn rabbits. "In The Rabbit Isle" I was told.

A whole isle of rabbits. It was like a live action water ship down. There were crouching bunnies, sleeping bunnies, bunnies at play, bunnies at pray, bunnies holding hands, bunnies playing checkers, bunnies checking their email. Every Bunny everywhere!

I even found the right Bunny. Not to cutesy, not too unnatural, no wire anywhere. I didn't even over think it. Much. I kept the chatter about what kind of message each bunny was sending to a minimum, I even kept a lid on my whole "is it too girly for a guy? Should I find a more masculine stuffed bunny?" issues. The perfect bunny. And it only took an hour and a half of searching. I'm getting better! By next year I should be able to do it over lunch.

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

White House will allow Condoleezza Rice to testify publicly under oath before 9/11 commission, a senior administration official tells CNN.

Watch CNN or log on to http://CNN.com for the latest news.

10, 9, 8... Perjury!
Ahh v. Awe


I went to a different neighborhood library over the weekend because my neighborhood library isn't open on Sundays. I really needed to check my email so I could keep up with this auction I was supposed to win. Some cow went and outbid me for my plush mounted moose head! After I set a ridiculous high bid! I know she didn't really need it! She's probably going to use it for a pillow or a dog toy or something. It's wrong. I just didn't want it enough, I should have made my high bid even higher, but then I might have ended up spending too much and I think that really, it may be time to step away from the Ebay. It's addictive. I didn't really need a plush mounted moose head, the pictures weren't that clear and, and… No Damn it! That plush mounted moose head was mine! And I did need it!

Anyway, back to the other library. It had books in it. Imagine a library with books! Reference materials? Right there! All the stuff that is supposed to be in a library? A whole lot of computers? Hell Yeah! Acres of titles? Right there.

And that library is getting replaced because it's not nice enough.

My library hasn't seen a replacement anything since 1974 and hoity-toity library is getting a whole new building.

I couldn't get over all the books. The stacks went on forever. My library should have stacks that go on forever. The books should awe me at my library. The books under awe me at my library. I look at my library and say "ah" is not "awe".

The nicer library is about three miles from my library. The clientele is different. On Sunday I sat next to a man who clearly had issues, I mean how long does it take you to get your mouse pad arranged? Less then five minutes? Not a whole lot of shifting around? Not much grunting? Not this guy, at my library I sat next to man sounded tubercular. He didn't have any mouse issues. Definitely Crazy White Guy v. Possibly Sick Black Guy. I'll take the possibly sick over the definitely crazy any day.

I didn't even want to spend a lot of time wandering the nicer library. It made me sad. It had all these displays and selected titles and new releases and current events and art work. My library has a display, featuring Chocolate. Yeah, Chocolate.

My neighborhood got the shaft librarywise… But a display featuring chocolate? They have a flyer up for a poetry slam, why not a display of African American poets? How about interviews with folks from the poetry slam? Anything. Chocolate? Just because you got the shaft doesn't mean you have to fall down it.

Another thing that annoys me.

Am I the only person in America that does not care about Basketball? The TV makes it sound like the most important thing ever and if I do not watch every minute of all 312,098 scheduled games - that I will be missing out on… what? The Second Coming? A cure for cancer? A Basketball game? Basketball isn't even Football. Basketball seems to be a celibration of not being able to go outside and play. Its for places with rotten weather and no where to out a proper stadium. It's not football. It's just not that important.

One good thing? My Fargo snowglobe finally arrive today. Yea!!!!!!

Monday, March 29, 2004

Never Volunteer

When using public terminals, don't get any wild ideas about checking the mouse to see if it needs to be cleaned out. It Does and you Shouldn't. Ewwwww. I did and there was felt. Felt! do you know how much dirt it takes to make felt? Ewww.
Garden Gnope


The 2004 Lawn Mowing season officially started off on March 27 at approximately 12:30 pm and the yard went from looking really shitty to just merely crappy. Go Me.

Weeds do not lie down obediently in front of the lawn mower the same way grass does. I think it may be because it’s called “Lawn Mowing” and not “Weed Wacking”. Weeds fear the Wacker. I don’t have a Wacker and they know it

I was a little disappointed by the lawn post mowing. It looks the same. The drug dealers yard is covered with lovely green weeds, which when mowed as they are now, look just like grass. Bastard. My lawn actually has real grass on it and it looks like ass. Where is the justice? Why does he get the pretty lawn? Until recently his lawn was also covered with dead cars. Is there some previously unreported benefit to having dead cars in your yard that The Man has wanted to cover up? I would park my truck in the front if that would improve my chances of even green cover.

The back yard looked a little better post mow, but again, the weeds have no respect for the mower. I probably need to put the level down, but at the same time I thought I remember putting it down to scalp the yard last t fall? I know the mower didn’t grow over the winter. The back yard where I put all the seed as shown no changes and in fact, looks worse as it now appears to have dandruff.

I am not happy. I went back to the farmers market to see if they had gotten their delivery of hydrangeas that they promised they were going to get this week when I was in the last week. Nope. No hydrangeas. I went to the flea market and found where I’m probably going to get the honeysuckle for the back yard. I didn’t mention that before. I want to make the yard prettier for the neighbors by making the yard invisible to the neighbors. I really like the smell of honeysuckle and I think it will, in time, make a nice curtain between our yards. They have a lovely yard and a pretty vegetable garden and I don’t want to spoil their pretty view with my crappy yard.

I need to get the honeysuckle into the yard before I let Dogger back there. I think they faucet out there is almost safe from her and her band of merry faucet bra vandals – I worry though. I think she can sense weakness in plants and may try to dig up anything I put back there. She killed a perfectly nice azalea shrub back there and after what she did to the potted plants I had in front, she has the taste of plant blood now. She has shown no interest so far in the irises I inherited from the past owner, but you never now. She may just have gotten used to them. Anything new might be fair game.

I am really trying not to be Ms. Greenjeans this year. I spent a lot of time and cash last year to get my hopes dashed by just about everything I planted. Nothing lived long and those that did, ended up with fertility problems. Carrots should not have been that hard to grow, what do you have to do to make them look like they do in the store? My biggest carrot wouldn’t have passed for even regulation Baby Carrots. They all looked like severely premature carrots. The potatoes did nothing and they don’t even really need to be in dirt to grow. I did remember this year to cut back my rose bush, so maybe that will do better this year, but, last year I ignored it and it still produced. This year I paid some attention to it so I’m betting it’s going to die.

Sunday, March 28, 2004

HAPPY SUNDAY!!!!!

Saturday, March 27, 2004

HAPPY SATURDAY!!!!!!

Friday, March 26, 2004

Insert Title Text Here

I took Dogger for a walk yesterday. A short walk. I, thanks to The Kitty, sprained my ankle over the weekend - okay, it wasn't directly Kitty's fault, I didn't trip over him in the dark or anything, but I wouldn't have tripped going down the back stairs had he not wanted to go outside in the first place; so I would not have been going back down to the basement when I saw a Ding-Dong ™ wrapper at the foot of the those stairs and I wouldn't have taken a moment to say "Hey, that isn't my Ding -Dong™ wrapper!" and then subsequently fallen down the remaining three steps and sprung my ankle.

Anyway. My ankle hurts and walking the Dogger isn't as much fun.

I limped through our walk on Monday and Tuesday we had Dog School, and Wednesday was the first day I thought my ankle was feeling better, so I was not wearing my spandex ankle wrap, which I believe is recycled from a dress I once owned as it was roughly the same size.

Okay. So I didn't wear it and my ankle felt wobbly the whole time so I made us go home.

The walk did mark the first time Dogger wore her fabulous new lead. It's called a "Halti" and I've seen it in every vet's office and pet supply place I've been into in the last year or so and its always been very expensive. I got it on sale, because they are changing the packaging to a much more worthy of the ridiculous price tag plastic wrapper and my wrapper is cardboard.

Dogger does not love her Halti. I bought it because it was on sale and it looks less scary then her pinch color. The Dog Whisperer also thinks that the pinch collar means jack to Dogger and I was looking for something that she might respect more or at least find harder to ignore. I think after spending the whole walk trying to pry Dogger off the pavement, out of the grass and from half way up a light pole, I might prefer the pinch collar.

The Halti looks a little like a not very butch muzzle. It fits over the dog's face and you attach the dogs existing lead to it and it corrects the dog by gently, pulling its face to the side when the dog pulls too hard. Or it makes them look like they bite.

Dogger does not bite. Dogger does like to twist and shout in the middle of intersections and this I do want to muzzle. A often as I have told her that while she is stopping the parade she is no Ferris Bueller and she needs to take her show off the road, she doesn't care and she doesn't mind. I'm tired of people looking at me like I can't control my dog - because I can't! She only does this shit when she thinks some one might be watching. If we're alone she doesn't do it and she won't do it for the Dog Whisperer because she loves the DW with her entire dog heart and she doesn't want to upset him and cause him to spend more time with The Other Dog. The DW can also pick her up off the ground and I think she thinks this is the coolest thing ever and that he is the King of Coolness. I can not pick her up so I am reduced to shit bagger. I do not rate.

But I do have a "Halti". I may not be the Queen of Coolness but I am the Duchess of Discipline.

Thursday, March 25, 2004

Captain Quack Rubber Duck Quiz

lifted from Blownfuse and Tiffany.
It Tolls for us...


First they came for the shock jocks. God only knows who'll be next Do I need to link to the Bill Of Rights again?

How about our old friend The First Amendment

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

Wow. The Bush administration must just hate that this is around. Those pesky first amendment rights just chap their hides. You know it keeps Michael " Daddy Can I be a Fascist Too?" Powell awake at nights.
Ask The Answer Dogs, Vol. 3


Hi Answer dogs. I'm a big fan.

My question has to do with my human trying to embarrass me. He makes me wear sweaters and costumes, and I think the other dogs at the Dog Park are laughing at me. When I've cornered one or two about it, they say it's because I'm all "fancy" looking with my dog sweater, but I can't do anything about it-- no thumbs and all that. Since Dogger wears sweaters (not sure about Bandit and Winston), I thought you might have some insight into this. How do I keep my dignity in costume?

Signed, Wolf in Bo Peep Clothing



Dear Wolf,

The Answer Dogs feel your pain. The Counter Point Kitty says "Nnah,nnah, but that is besides the point.

Dogger says "Hi, Wolfy. When I first got my sweater I really didn't like it. It was binding and the zipper thing got caught in my fur and I really had concerns about what would happen if I got it wet, but it was fine. It took just a few times outside being really, really cold and I saw the wisdom if the sweater. My person goes out in the cold and she doesn't look like my person at all! She wears all these layers it really wasn't fair to me. I was out there in the cold and wet, naked while she was covered head to toe! Speaking of toes, mine are shoe free! The not dog told me once while he was slapping me around, that there had been some mention of shoes for me. I thought that the not dog was using this to further torture me, 'cause he does that. I didn't know they made dog shoes! The not dog said they do make them and I was in line to get some. My feet? in shoes? how would I walk? how would I not fall down? are people insane! the not dog insists its true. I hate the not dog.

I say, wearing sweater makes you warm and if you do have a sweater with Peep -y bits, chew them off and as to your dignity, Bark! Be A Dog! Growl at something! Its not about what you're wearing its about what you are!

Bandit had this to say:

Dude.Woofman, Dog Coats Suck. I would rather be cold and wet them luke warm and in a coat. They make us look like dolls or small humans. That's wrong. We're Dogs for Dogs sake! We are made for being in the wild! We have thick coats all ready and we are born to run! I hate my coat. I am all about the running and the playing and the rolling and I don't feel comfortable running, playing or rolling in my coat. I need to feel comfortable. I need to roll! If it gets really, really cold, go out do your thing and go back inside. You don't have to spend a lot of time being out there and if you do? Chase something, make them pay for being in your yard and taking for granted you wouldn't be there! If you bark enough your people will let you in. They know its cold and they aren't out there with you because they can't hack it. Don't let them just put you out there! I say, chew up the outerwear. Be a real dog!

Winston says:

Bandit can be all "Real Dog" he has longer fur. I have no fur and the cold sucks. I have a sweater and I wear it. It doesn't say anything about your Doggness, it says "I'm not freezing to death in the snow". I agree with Dogger, if there are offensive bits on your sweater, chew them off! Make the sweater your own! Be Proud, Be Warm! If the other dogs at the park give you crap about your sweater, wrestle them to the ground and give them a chance rethink what they said about your sweater. Dogger was right, it's not about what you are wearing its about who you can wrestle to the ground. Woof!

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Lets join the CIA part 3

I hold certification or expertise in one or more of the following computer applications:

Lotus Notes
Microsoft, NT Environment
Cisco Technology
Information Security
Enterprise Network Management
Global Network Management


Gasp. You mean to run around in a wig and cat suit I have to have actual skill sets? The Hell! This might be harder then I thought…

Have you ever lived and worked in one of the following countries or regions?

China
Middle East
South Pacific
India
Native American Indian Nation
yes no


I have sent email to the Middle East, and I have seen South Pacific, I had a room mate from Bangladesh, which is somewhere around the greater India area, and I have read all the Tony Hillermans which are about Native Americans… I think I still have a shot here!

Please check all that apply for each section. You may choose more than one answer.


Creative/Expressive

In my free time, I typically choose to…
Listen to music
Read classic literature
Write stories
Play a musical instrument
Learn about other cultures
None of the above


Okay! Finally stuff I can answer. Listen to music, sure, sometimes. I just finished reading a detective novel that had the classical plot of cops and robbers, write stories! I'll be out being all counter terrorism by next weekend! I played the flute for six weeks back in 1980, and I learn about other cultures all the time! I watch the Discovery Channel!

I have studied and have a strong interest in…

Creative writing
Languages and language arts
Applied arts (advertising, journalism, graphics)
None of the above


I took a creative writing class at school, language arts sound like a class I took in Junior High, I wrote for my High School paper! man! I am so going to be fitted for an evening gown!

I have work experience in…

Translation or interpreter services
Writing or editing
Applied arts (advertising, journalism, graphics)
None of the above


Translation! I work with the public and translate "crazy" into Standard English all day long! writing! editing! I just edited! and, High School Paper!

Social/Training

In my free time, I typically choose to…

Talk with all kinds of people
Do volunteer work in my community
Entertain others
Study foreign languages
Read anthropology or psychology books
None of the above


I talk to all kinds of people everyday, see crazy to Standard English skilz, I will be a volunteer for the Party! I hopefully entertain others, and I did study German.

I have studied and have a strong interest in…

Learning foreign languages
Teaching or training others
Studying other cultures
None of the above


I could be interested in learning a foreign language; I like telling people what to do.

Leading/Influencing

In my free time, I typically choose to…
Network with others in my area of expertise
Pursue self-improvement studies
Serve as an officer in a community or volunteer group
Seek out new and challenging activities
Compete with others in sports or games
None of the above


Yeah. Me and the other file clerks are always hanging out, coming up with new ways to file. "Pursue self-improvement studies", I saw a half a minute of Opra last week. Yeah. Not so much with the "Seeking" and "Competing".

I have work experience in…

Sales
Business or management
Domestic or foreign politics
None of the above


I can sell the hell out of popcorn!

Administrative/Support

In my free time, I typically choose to…
Keep my home orderly
Follow a routine set of activities
Plan ahead for trips, vacations or events
Be the "detail person" for projects or activities
Track my finances and/or investments
None of the above


I should just give up while I'm a head in points.

Upon Completion:

When you click the "Submit" button, your results will be automatically calculated. They should be used as a guide to explore CIA career areas that may be a good match for your strengths.


The CIA does not record or retain any of the information obtained.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Arrrrrrggghhhhh

Have I mentioned that it pisses me off that my leashed dog is not welcome at the library but that everyone else can have all make and model of unescourted, unsupervised, unrestrained children running around lose? or that in my world if you are told to get out of the Library, to leave and leave now - that that means that you get out of the Library! Does shut the hell up and get out! not mean Shut The Hell Up And Get Out?!

I wouldn't let my dog run wild in the library, why do other people let their kids run wild and scream at the top of their lungs? ARRRGGGGHHHHH

Mass sterilizations and enforced birth control = a nice quite library experence.
Lets Join The CIA! part 2


Travel

I am not interested in a position that requires international travel.

I would be willing to work in a position that requires occasional, short-duration, overseas travel (two to three weeks, several times per year).

I would be willing to work in a position that requires occasional, extended tours overseas (two to three months, several times per year).

I am eager to live and work overseas, depending on the location.

I am eager to spend much of my career living and working overseas and have virtually no restriction on the location.


Hmmm. I don’t actually have a passport, and I have heard that they are much harder to get these days. I would have to stand in a lot of lines and I don't think spies have a lot of stand in line time. I think that limits my travel opportunities – and there are the little animals. Do you think there is some CIA funded animal storage place I could put them? Do you think they just do that as a cover and when you are off on your mission, they send your little animals away on missions too? I’m not sure I could stay focused on counter- terrorism if I had to worry that Mr. Kitty was off somewhere in a leather cat suit and a wig or that Dogger was doing wetworks somewhere. And if I’m so willing to leave and pretty much not come back? What am I running from? What did I do wrong that I have to be a long, long, long way away from it? I would worry about those people. But, if I could bring my animals with me and it was during hiatus season…

”I would be willing to work in a position that requires occasional, short-duration, overseas travel (two to three weeks, several times per year). “


Languages

I have no interest in learning to speak or write a foreign language.

I would study and learn a foreign language only if required.

I would like to learn a foreign language.

I possess at least conversational skill in one or more foreign languages.

I enjoy the study of language and I am fluent in one or more foreign languages.



Hey. I took German in high school and I didn’t do that badly. To be honest though, the only foreign language I have any proficiency in is Pig Latin.

I possess at least conversational skill in one or more foreign languages.’ it is then.

Are you a Native speaker of any the following languages:

Farsi
Arabic language other than Farsi
Simplified Chinese
Mandarin Chinese
Korean
A Native American Indian Language
Dari
Pashtu
Turkman
Urdu


Um. Pig Latin? No mention of Pig Latin. That’s a shame. I have heard several of those and, and they sounded kind of like Pig Latin to me. I think I still have a chance here. Pig Latin, Urdu. Tomato, utomatohah.

I have conducted research in one or more of the following areas:

Economics
Foreign Policy
International Studies
Political Science
National Security Studies
Other Policy/Foreign Study Area


Okay. I have used coupons, so, Economics? Check. Good for me, I had several roommates in college who were from foreign lands and we worked out policies, so check! Again. Go Me. International Studies? My Thai roommate translated all her textbooks into Thai, and I watched her do it. So, again, Score! Poli Sci? I got a “B” in Poly Sci! Again with the Scoring! “Other”, I have shopped in both Mexican and Asian Markets! I am so in!

Tomorrow? The Hard Questions.

Monday, March 22, 2004

Keep this in mind the next time you either hear or are about
to repeat a rumour! (sent in by an old pal)

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known
for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an
acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know
what I just heard about one of our students?"

Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me
anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple
Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me
about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment
and filter what you're going to say.. The first filter is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to
tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true
or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.
Is what you are about to tell me about my student something
good?"

"No, on the contrary ...."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something
bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still
pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter
of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student
going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is
neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?".

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held
in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was
banging his wife.
Ew

LOYAL TO THE END: Fans of the WB's Angel renting a billboard truck to drive around Los Angeles protesting the show's cancellation, per the Hollywood Reporter.

(from e!online)

Does Death with Dignity mean nothing to these people? Gawd. If you can raise enough cash for a stunt like this why not raise cash for something more worthy? make a donation in the name of the show if you must be all fandom about it. I like the show too, but dayum. It gets worse, I went to a forum this morning and some dipshit was trying to raise money to pay for another season. Whatever.



Lets Join The CIA! Part 1


I’m looking for a job. I all ready work for the state, so I figure, working for the Big State, should be a snap.

Okay. Greeted by Jennifer Garner. Does this mean if the CIA hires me I too will get to wear a raspberry colored wig and a cat suit to work everyday? Okay!

Jennifer says

“I'm Jennifer Garner. I play a CIA officer on the ABC TV series Alias. In the real world, the CIA serves as our county's first line of defense in the ongoing war against international terrorism. CIA's mission is clear and direct: safeguard America and its people. And it takes smart people with wide-ranging talents and diverse backgrounds to carry out this mission...people with integrity, common sense, patriotism and courage. The kind of people who have always worked for the agency. But since the tragic events of 9/11, the CIA has an even stronger need for creative, innovative, flexible men and women from diverse backgrounds and a broad range of perspective. Right now, the CIA has important, exciting jobs for US citizens...especially those with foreign language skills. Today, the collection of foreign intelligence has never been more vital for national security. If you're an American citizen and seek a challenging, rewarding career where you can make a difference in the world and here at home, contact the agency at www.cia.gov. Thank you.”

I am not a smart person. I do not have wide reaching interests. That could be a problem. But they are looking for people from divergent backgrounds! They are looking for dumb people with no interests! I’m In!

There is a quiz to see how CIAalisious you are. Lets go!

Okay. First Question:

Team Orientation

I prefer to work independently, on my own.

I prefer to work independently, but will work in a group if required.

I can work independently or as part of a team; I have no real preference.

I can work on my own, but prefer the opportunity to be part of a team effort.

I prefer to work as a member or part of a team.

If I am left by myself too much I play solitaire. I don’t want to be seen as anti-social so lets go with
I can work on my own, but prefer the opportunity to be part of a team effort”.

I don’t want to make it look like I’m not smart enough to see that other people get the opportunity to take the blame. I can work on my own, but prefer the opportunity to be part of a team effort. Being a “team player” is a good thing. It’s all about plausible deniability. Always make sure you have someone close by to point the finger at.


Decision Making

I would prefer to work in a support role, helping the people who make the decisions.

I prefer to study and analyze a problem before I make any decisions.

I am able to make quick and accurate decisions.

I am very comfortable making important decisions, even in new and unfamiliar situations.

I am very comfortable in relying on my good "gut" instincts in making decisions.

Since the job I want out of is all about choice A, and I think “studying and analyzing” are code words for “Hiding under my desk and not answering my phone” and that can’t be CIAlisious, My quick decisions tend to be wrong decisions, I’m not comfortable making decisions even in old and familiar situations, so I’m going to go with

I am very comfortable in relying on my good "gut" instincts in making decisions.
Because my “gut” instincts usually tell me I’m doomed and “doomed” could be translated as “Nothing To Lose!” Very CIAalsious.

Sunday, March 21, 2004

HAPPY SUNDAY!!!!!!

Saturday, March 20, 2004

Greetings from the Public Library

The 2004 Luddite Tour is adding dates! It was such a smashing success the last time I had to take my blog on the road I thought that if I kept it up indefinitely, I could become Cher or The Eagles! Woo-Hoo!

Anyway. This Saturday is all ready almost better than last Saturday as I managed to get through the entire morning with out setting off any alarms or having disembodied voices from on high (on the wall) ask me if I was really all right!

Last Saturday I got up, put shoes on and went and got Dogger out of her box. We went to the front door, opened the front door and started out.

As I was walking out the door I heard a siren going off. "Oh, someone's alarm is going off. I wonder how long that has been going off? Wait. THAT'S MY ALARM!!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!". I yanked on Doggers leash to get her into the living room so I could run and turn off the alarm, which I should have done before I tried to take her out in the first place. I'm tugging her leash and she's not in the living room. She's on the front porch and I and most of her leash are still inside and she's looking at me through the screen door and the alarm is going off and she can not open the door herself and it is taking a really long time for me to get a handle on all this. It's easier to get a camel through the eye of a needle and to get a large Dogger through a closed door.

All the while the siren is screeching.

I finally get the Dogger into the house and turn off the alarm. The Dogger is going wild, the Kitty is freaking out, and a disembodied Voice From On High (of the wall) is questioning my mental status.

"I'm FINE!! I report to the Voice, the Voice sounds like it thinks I'm really being held captive by an intruder and I'm just saying "I'm Fine" to make the voice go away. "No, Really" I say "I'm fine! I went though the wrong door. I forgot to turn off the alarm, I'm fine"

"Are You Sure?"

The Dogger and The Kitty don't like the Voice From On High (on the wall). Which makes the VFOH (OTW), more uneasy. Again Are you All Right?

YES

Finally.

Last Saturday, I had my own computer.

HAPPY SATURDAY!!!!

Friday, March 19, 2004

Dead Again

Let me start of by saying I didn't spend four years majoring in Fine Arts learning how to take a computer apart. That being said, I took my computer apart.

I came back from my audience with the Dog Whisperer to find that the house smelled funny. In a house with both a dog and a cat, something that smells funny enough to stand out from all the other "funny" smells, smells pretty damn funny.

I put the dog up and sniffed my way around the house. The attic smelled like attic, the basement smelled like basement. I smelled like relief. But I couldn't find the funny smell. I kept sniffing around, literally, and discovered the smell was strongest in the office. I looked at the dog to see if looked guilty about setting off some sort of time release dog odor bomb but she was wearing a gas mask and flipping through a PETA pamphlet detailing escape options. I finally tracked the smell down to the computer.

But, but, I need my computer! It can not be making funny smells! I don't wanna have to face the computer rehab place again so soon after the last time! And for sure this they would charge me for the repair - unlike last time when they ate the charge because it went off the wagon again so soon. And I don't speak computer, so all my explanations about its symptoms - I told them I thought it might have had a stroke or something, were met with these Stuiped Human! looks from the tech guys and knowing silences. Fine Arts Major! People, give me some slack.

I was taking some comfort in the fact that funny smell wasn't smelling like smoke funny. But still? It was a funny smell. Coming From My Computer!!. The last several times it had issues, it didn't smell funny. It didn't work, but it didn't smell funny. This time it smelled funny but it worked

Before I took it apart.

I called Brosky and told him about the smell and he said turn it off, you know, now and I said, well, I had to do some stuff and check my email and then I turned it off. I have priorities. He said take off the case and see if anything inside looks like it had been on fire recently. So I did that. It took a while because its put together likes some sort of Chinese puzzle, but I finally got it into parts and I didn't find anything. The machine as a whole didn't smell, it was just one part. I did find a very old, crunchy rubber band and a lot of dust, but nothing with smoke damage.

Okay. So I put the case back on and went to turn it plug everything back in and possibly, turn it on. No dice. In the taking apart of the case I caused one of the pluggy things to fall back into the case, and I couldn't plug in whatever plugged into the pluggy thing. So I took it apart again and held the pluggy thing up manually while I plugged whatever plugged into it.

Snap, Crackle Pop and this time with genuine funny smoke smell!

Crap!

So I unplugged it again and pulled out what pluggy things I had managed to plug in and I went to see what had just snapped, cracked and popped. I couldn't find anything and I was wondering if I should put the machine in the basement or outside like I did the time my vacuum cleaner smelled smoky and freaked me out.

But as I was thinking about that, a voice said

"A Hard Drive Is Not Like An Over Heated Vacuum Cleaner. You Should Not Put It Outside… Even If It Does Smell Smoky."

So I didn't do that. I called Brosky and he promised to come over this week to look at it but he was pretty sure it wasn't something a trip to the computer rehab place was going to be able to fix. A trip to the computer hospice, though… Waaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

Thursday, March 18, 2004

It's been raining all day. I'm going to go home and dig out my rubber boots because sneakers arn't going to cut it on Doggers walk .It's too wet. Dogger is going to look at the boots and look at me and say "Another walk in the rain?, you know I hate the rain. God! . If you would just give me a freaking chance I could learn to use a litter box. Jeeze! I can hold it. I swear. its not a big deal." . The Kitty is going to snicker.
whoopee!!!

I got my great white whale! Moby Fargo Snow Globe Dick is mine! and for about the same price as it was on the store shelves. Yay! Woo-Hoo!!!! Go me!!!


Oh, and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY ALPHAGAL AND BROSKY!!!!!
Ask The Answer Dogs, Vol. 2


Dear Answer Dogs,

My dogs are not as cultured as you guys. They're much more "red-neck" than your cultured answer dog selves. They're favorite toy is vermin they catch in the back yard. Last night, they found a possum. My dogs have played with "dead" possums before, but the possums have always been playing possum. However, this morning the possum was right where they left it. Dead.
My question is: What is the proper etiquette for hiding a dead xbody?



Anonymous owner of 2 stinky redneck dawgs in tobacco country



The dogs were very excited by this question and all talked at once.

"I'm not allowed in my yard", said Dogger. "All I did was free a faucet and, okay once upon a time, I ate the heat pump, but is that reason to not allow me in my own yard? There could be dead things in my yard! I want my own dead thing! Can I hear an Amen, cousin Dogs?"

Bandit is chain chewing twigs and pacing back and forth "Dead thing? A whole dead thing? Right there in their yard? Damn."

Winston lies down and cries about the unfairness of the other dogs having a dead thing while he has no dead things.

Dogger continues. "I saw a dead thing once. It was squashed in the street and it smelled so good, it was wonderful! I could have stayed there in the middle of the street forever! But No!, (snorts) we had to go! We couldn't stay there and bask in the dead thing. I hate my life!"

"Oh, young dog! You don't even know from Dead Things!" says Bandit. "I have known some dead things. I have rolled - Dogger interrupts, "Rolled? In a dead thing!"

"Oh, I have rolled in dead things!" Bandit answered. "I have gotten dead thing all over me! You have not lived until you have rolled in dead thing".

"I hate my life" repeats Dogger, so depressed she doesn't even try to taste Bandits lovely ears.

Winston answers "Not all dead things are dead. Some dead things just pretend to be a dead thing.

No! Dogger is aghast.

"I have sniffed at a dead thing and got called back inside, and then whimpered until they had let me out again and then the dead thing is gone!"

No!

"You have to roll in the dead thing to tell for sure that the dead thing really a dead thing", explains Bandit.

"There is so much to learn they don't teach at Dog School. Sit, Stay, Come. Nothing they should call it Order Dogger Around School, I should be learning about dead things!"

Winston comforts Dogger "I feel you on that young Dogger."

My person is not the Giver Goddess I thought she was. She has never let me roll in dead thing! How am I supposed to learn about how dead things work if I never get to be with a dead thing? How am I supposed to grow as a dog?…" Dogger said.

"I Know!" says Bandit. "How are we supposed to fulfill our roll as carnivores and hunters if we can't hunt anything! And if we do find something to eat we have to spit it out? We get yelled at if we roll in dead thing. I can't get close enough to hunt for a Thing if I smell like a Dog. To catch the Thing you have to smell like the Thing. I feel subjugated."

"Damn The Man!" says Dogger. Dogger has not been the same since she screened Empire Records.



Dear Anonymous owner of 2 stinky redneck dawgs in tobacco country,

Get a shovel and put the body in a plastic trash bag. Two bags if it's a very gross dead thing. Seal the bag up and out it outside in a trash bin with a secure lid. Try not to think about the dead thing and hope trash day comes soon.

Sincerely,

Diana, on The Answer Dogs behalf.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

Fun Site


Dogster Dogger is going to be there as soon as I can wrangle a scanner! she photographs really well and they don't seem to have a limit on how many pics you can post. Yay!
Grrrrarrrgghhh

If something is missing and it is not in my office does this mean I lost it? or after the smallest amount of investigation discovers, that the missing object had never actually made it as far as my office and as such, can not be in my office? did I still lose it? it depends on who lost it.

Some how no matter how much whatever it is still in your office, it is still possible that I lost it. For example, the file that just came into my office today, for something that happened in September. In October, it went missing and it was my fault. Oddly, in March it surfaces and nobody apologizes to me for making me feel like crap in October because someone else still had it. I didn't have it, thus, I lost it. Grrrrrarrrggghhh.
Non-Element of Non-Surprise

Attention Staff. Attention Staff. There will be a tornado drill at 9:00am, to repeat, there will be a tornado drill at 9:00 am. When you hear the alarm please go into the hallway

Bah. Color me prepared.
Big Dogger on Campus

Dominate Bitch and we’re not talking Martha “If I was Man This Wouldn’t Be An Issue” Stewart. Shut Up Martha, once you have achieved OmniMedia status your gender is irrelevant.

Today at class The Dog Whisperer called Dogger, my cute and fluffy bunny a Dominate Bitch.

I am shocked!, shocked! I tell you! She does follow commands, provided those commands are things she wants to do and she’s on the leash For example:

Me – Dogger Sit.
Dogger – I’m all over it.

Dogger not on leash

Me – Dogger, Sit.
Dogger. No.
Me – Dogger! Sit!
Dogger – Nah.
Me – SIT SIT SIT!

Dogger goes to other room and finds an envelope, returns to room and lays down at my feet, to chew it.

Me – ARRRGGGHHHHHH. Give it back! What are you chewing on? Put that down! AAAHHHHHHHHHH!
Dogger – Are we playing chase! I love this game! This is the best game ever! Round and round! Try and catch me! Woo-Hoo! I love this game!
Me – Go. To. Your. Box.
Dogger – Box?
Me – GO!
Dogger – I’ll go to my box.
Me –head explodes. Grumble, grumble. The Kitty doesn’t do shit like this. The Kitty only tears things up when he wants something… grumble, grumble.

She has her ways to force me to do things her way, her weight, the muscle structure of a bull, the biggest brown eyes, but Dominate? the Dog Whisperer has never witnessed the 20 lb Kitty take down the 95 + lb Dogger or had that same 95 + lb Dogger attempt to crawl up his pants leg to escape from the 20 lb. Kitty.

Watching or even worse, being attached to, and thus hostage to a 95 + lb. Dogger getting frightened by something? is a memorable experience. Startle Dogger and she can jump back and run over you, like a shot. A huge shot, a missile, an unguided, furry missile. At her size the only thing she should be afraid of is a tanker truck. In her mind she belongs to a tea cup breed. She’s a tea cup breed, maybe a tea cup at Disney World… its like “look, Large Marge, it’s a trash bag! An empty trash bag! (or a dry leaf or a small child on an even smaller bike or a discarded shoe) Gawd, move on”.

But anyway. We finally made it back to Dog School. We have moved up in the world, no more mere Puppy school for Miss Dogger. She is in a class all to herself. For real, there are only two dogs in class this time and the other one is a puppy – no where near Doggers weight division. So, Dogger gets a class all to herself! School starts earlier this time too, which I like. It will suck a little coming home from work and walking Dogger in fast forward, but I think we’ll manage. The Dog Whisperer also suggested not feeding Dogger until after class. A hungry dog being a more pliable dog. Riiiiiiiiiight. We’ll see.

Happy St. Patricks Day!!

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Hard Yard


The sounds of spring are in the air. Little birds tweeting, the ice cream truck chortling, the neighborhood yard man revving up his lawn mower… what is he mowing?! The yards are all exactly as he left them. Yellow, straw like and shorter then a new recruits new hair cut. I saw him out there, looking at my yard all hopeful like and I looked at him all “I have my own Lawn Mower!” like . It was a beautiful moment.

Dogger and I didn’t get a whole lot of Dog School homework done this weekend. I translate “Not a whole lot” as “any” and “didn’t” as “Not Even Gave It A Second Thought”. We didn’t have time in the agenda for full on, hard core training anyway– I needed to sleep until 10 am and Dogger needed to wind herself around the tree repeatedly. We have Dog School Tuesday and that hard core training is what I pay the dog whisperer for anyway.

Dogger had a full schedule of laying in the sun and barking at drug buyers while I made my initial survey of the back yard. Dogger is still banned from the back yard because of her ongoing involvement in the Faucet Liberation front or whatever they are calling themselves now. They change it every week. Amateurs. They got all disheartened when they couldn’t get the domain name they wanted, www.faucetteliberationnow.com and then got all excited by www.freethefaucets.com but at the last minute a Farah Faucet fan bought up all the www.faucet addys and that just made the FL front or whatever they are calling themselves this week very, very sad.

I decided I am not going get my Ms. Greenjeans thing on this year. I’m not going to try to plant anything. I’m not going to kill any innocent tomato plants or get my heart broken by under performing carrots or hateful potatoes. This year is the Year Of The Yard. I will not be mocked by the wetlands this year. I am rededicated to turning the back yard into a green space and if doing that causes the folks that I was paying to be a wetlands centric Indian tribe to move out of the shed, well, then I can live with that too and for a parting gift they can take the plastic duckies and rubber turtles I salted the yard with them too.

I went and bought grass seed at an actual yard center instead of at Poverty Barn and this year, I’m bringing in the big guns – actual store bought fertilizer. I’m not going to cheap out and pin my hopes on lame, “All Natural” home made Dogger produced fertilizer this year either. “All Natural” is just code for “actually kind of shitty”

I got guaranteed all synthetic stuff. If it works I’m going to go buy something nasty to poison all the little bugs and spiders and other nasty biting critters out there too. The yard is going to be green, lush and a superfund site by the time I’m done with it.

The yard I want is green. I don’t really care if its green from actual grass or green from weeds. It’s all good and if I mow it regularly it all looks like grass. It’s the theory I have used in the front yard and I think it should work in the back yard too. I noticed yesterday that they Drug Dealers yard is looking better then mine. It’s all green and lush looking. My yard is still yellow and crunchy. The only green space on the whole yard is the narrow spit of grass that Dogger uses for her morning toilette .

Thanks to the grass seed and its “natural” green coloring, I have an actual green thumb right now. I may have it framed. I have this green thumb because yesterday I went out and seeded the yard because the TV said it was going to rain. Light Rain, light, life giving, seed nourishing rain. It poured, heavy, death bringing, seed washing away rain. If at first you don’t succeed, seed, seed again.

Monday, March 15, 2004

Playing With your Dog

I really annoyed Dogger this weekend : I vacuumed.

Dogger came bounding into the living room all ready to shred something and got the surprise of her life. All her toys were gone. There were no scraps of paper to tear up, no receipts to destroy, no envelopes to render useless. She was shocked! She looked at me with a hurt look in her big brown doggy eyes – What had she done now? Did she make me mad, how could she make it better? and get me to give her back her paper toys?. I took away her toys! Bad Mommy! These toys and being able to get to them being more important to her then her then ready access to her “official” toys because when she chews on her “official” toys I don’t get excited and chase her around the house screaming at her. Which is fun.

I also cleaned off the top of the dinning room table that had been growing a cone like a volcano in Mexico and had been erupting little clouds of paper for both animals to make use of. Dogger put her nose up there and instead of being rewarded by a torn envelope or a scrap of newspaper or a sales circular got her nose smacked! But this is where you kept my toys! Where are they? are you made at me? She looked at me like the worlds meanest dog mother.

She recovered and relaunched her seek and destroy mission in the living room and came up with the same nothing. This was becoming a problem. She came back to where I was standing in the dinning room, admiring my newly visible table cloth and she stood there and whined at me like I had put her toys away on accident somehow while I was cleaning and she wanted me to know it was time put them back . What was she going to do if she couldn’t get me to chase her around the dinning room table?


I mean, while I can dig the extra exercise I get by playing endless rounds of round and round the mulberry bush with Dogger - so I can make her give me back the damp shreds of whatever she found this time… it does not make for positive interaction between us. I don’t want to be yelling at her all the time. I want to sit and watch TV with her while she gazes at me adoringly. I want to live a Dog Chow™ commercial damn it! I want to have her wander freely around the house with out me having to follow her around with a rolled up magazine or keeping most of the house captive behind toddler gates.

I know of dogs can be in the house with out constant supervision. I know this is possible. Not everyone has to stalk their dogs with rolled up magazines.

Later on, after it became clear I was not going to “give back” her toys, Dogger kept herself occupied by chewing on my shoes with my feet still in them.

She totally ignored her chewys.

Sunday, March 14, 2004

HAPPY SUNDAY!!!!

Saturday, March 13, 2004

HAPPY SATURDAY!!!!!

Friday, March 12, 2004

I just finished watching Wonder Falls. I really liked it. So it should only have about six episodes. I thought the dialogue, while interesting, seemed very w r i t e n and stiff - Like the writer had these little conversations saved up and was just waiting for a chance to use them - they didn't have much to do with who the characters are over all and to each other. And I would have liked the lead to be a little less, um, stiff. Sometimes it seemed like she was reading from cue cards . In several scenes it just seemed to be more about a chance for the writer to have the characters say these things, these very clever things, instead of developing character or relationships or moving the plot forward.

I like good writing, but I don't want to sit there and think "Wow, that was a very cool little exchange", it's like noticing the set or the costumes - nothing is supposed to be more important than the story. I guess once we know the characters better and the writers have had more time with them, they will actually have conversations about things. It was just the pilot after all.

When the lead was speaking to the toys, I liked it. She was much better with the objects then she was with the actual people and that was a good bit about showing us who she is with out telling us how she is. There could be a danger of that world being populated by ciphers instead of actual characters, but that should self correct once the show inevitably departs from being an anthology to having story arcs. I have hope. Watch it next week, it's interesting. It's like a secular Gen X version Joan of Arcadia.
Back to (puppy) School

I finally went back to the pet supply store and told them to either use my puppy school fee or give it back. They owe me interest and an obedient Dogger.

To my shock the counter guy said that class is going to start back this coming Tuesday and was supposed to start this last Tuesday but they didn’t have class since the TV said it was going to snow and they lost my number. Whatever. Were they just going to start up class again and not tell me? I get the feeling they were thinking I was just going to be spontaneously cruising the parking lot at the supply place and just kind of end up back in class.

I had Dogger all prepped to go the last time Puppy School was supposed to start back, we worked on sitting and staying and downing – all her Puppy School lessons. We had it down before class started and stopped last time, approximately forty minutes after it started - almost two months ago. I was all excited about class starting again, I had Dogger all dressed up in her little sweater and she as so cute! And then the new puppy showed up and sucked all the available cuteness out of the atmosphere like a fuzzy little vacuum. A fuzzy vacuum with a little round puppy tummy and a tiny tail. The bastard. It got worse after the puppy’s’ Mother decided her small and tiny baby was cold and needed a sweater too. The puppy was so sweet in his little sweater that everyone of us present lost all our teeth to rot, right there in the pet supply parking lot. I kid you not. I do not have any of my natural teeth left. Dogger? I have to freeze Jell-O in plastic Leggs™ eggs just so she can have something soft enough for her to play with. Very sad. You don’t want to see your dog gnawing on Jell-O. She can’t bite any more, she just gives really vicious hickys.

But anyway. Its back to school for Miss Dogger. We are going to spend the weekend working on sit and stay and down. There is also heeling, which she used to be very good at. Actually, she was very good at following the dog heroin I carried in my glove. She would follow that stuff anywhere. It looked great though. The German Shepard’s Mother was very impressed by that, “Does she do that all the time?”, “Oh, yeah. All the time”. Big Lie. She did it all the time I had treats in my hand. She did it for the trainer guy but I think that behavior was treat induced as well. Dogger doesn’t do anything spontaneously. No treat, no trick.

So today on our walk I worked those commands, she did a pretty good job. I didn’t have any treats with me so she didn’t do a great job – but still. She did not want to do “down”. “Down” was a problem. Sit, Stay – no problem. She can do those. She sits and stays like a champ. “Down”? not so much. She got better as our walk progressed but it was a battle.

So this weekend we’re going to work those skills. I want to go back to class and look like we took Puppy School all ready and we’re ready for Dog School. I don’t want us to end up in the Dog House.

Thursday, March 11, 2004

Let The Light Shine In


I got my lamp! I got my lamp! I’m so excited!

I’m so excited I didn’t have to email the seller again to ask her where the hell my lamp is.

It is a very groovy lamp. I think Greg Brady would have thrown it out of his swinging bachelor pad but Mr. Brady would have loved it for his study. And it works too! I was hoping it would, but for $4.35, you can’t ask a whole lot.

The shade that looked so kewl in the pictures is actually, I think a heretofore unknown black hole. There was more light in the room before I turned the lamp on then after. The shade is going to have to be re-purposed.

The antler part isn’t really antler either, it’s antler-esque, so it’s not exploitive of some deer-American – but again, $4.35.

I had kind of given up hope of it ever getting here. I wrote the seller back at the beginning of the month saying, hey, love the lamp, you rock, where is it? and she wrote back and said she was mailing it in the morning. That was the forth, it didn't show up until the tenth. I mean, dayum. It could have walked here faster. I could have driven there faster. I could have walked there faster.

But it’s all good. The lamp is in its new home and I have a very kitsch addition to my theme. Yay! Now I’m on the look out for side tables, currently I have boxes masquerading as tables, and I would like that to change. I’m trying to leave the under grad thing behind and live more like a post grad. Essentially, No More Cardboard Furniture!



I was trying to step away from the Ebay, but while I was there the other day I ran across these plastic snow globes. I lurve me some plastic snow globes, and I went trolling for some new ones. I have every major city on the eastern sea board and a few from the Midwest, so I’m not really shopping for cities anymore.

Once upon a time I didn’t buy this globe from Fargo, the movie and now that puppy is worth huge dollars. I kick myself at least once a week for that. So, when I saw one for American Wedding and, again, I saw it in the store and didn’t buy it cause I didn’t see the movies, and I have a policy about spending more then $5 for a plastic snow globe – now of course good luck finding it at any price… anyway. I saw it on Ebay for a dollar! So I bid. I stopped bidding at $8, I checked this afternoon and it was at $19.00! dayum. For a plastic snow globe! Needless to say, it’s going to another bidder. I’m going with that it’s fate that I do not have movie themed snow globes and that I don’t buy them at the store when I see them. Eventually the policy is going to pay off. I do still have a Surf Nazis Must Die one sheet…


Now that Martha Stewart is on her way to club fed, do you think Ka-Mart might have some Martha Stewart lamp shades for cheap? I mean, this may just be what the line has needed to really appeal to their clientele, A voice of the people! Someone who has been there. Some one who may potentially be shopping at K-Mart right now! maybe when this is all over, Martha can work at a K-Mart! Wouldn’t that be a Good Thing?

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

Dogger Blogger


Dogger is going to do the entry today


Diana would be doing the entry today but she just got back from her very first precinct meeting and she volunteered! She volunteered for so much that she is now holding her head in her hands and rocking back and forth.

Diana volunteered to go to the Democratic Party County Convention and to be on a committee! She and the other members are going to go through the voter list and purge out dead folks and people who moved away. Diana doesn’t know what she was thinking. She was just planning to nod and smile.

She said it was fun though, although there should have been more then 10 people in attendance as she learned that her precinct had 1800 registered Democrats. She learned that once upon a time the Democratic Party ran this neighborhood like a machine and it was very organized with block captains, and quadrant captions and many, many lists and maps and committees. She also was told that only 600 of those 1800 registered democrats voted in the last gubernatorial election. She may also have gotten herself the job of going door to door on her street to get out the vote. Diana has her work cut out for her. She is not very excited about this as some of her neighbors scare her and she is afraid that neighbors who do not scare her will be scared of her.

A brave part of Diana sees herself handing out voter registration cards to her new people across the street and to the disaffected next door. They need to vote too. Diana likes people to vote.

A few of the folks Diana met at the meeting know her through me!, they see us on our walks everyday and the people were pleased to meet her, and they told her the names of their dogs that bark at us everyday! they also thought she lived in a different neighborhood.

Diana was also surprised that she was not the only person who looked like her and she wasn’t the youngest person there. There should have been a lot of young people there.

Okay! lets thank Dogger for her hard work! I'm recovered from my volunteer-ers remorse

The neighborhood is full of young people. Young disaffected people who are the most in need of representation and who must stand up and be counted. The very people most likely to stay in their seats and not bother, who all ready have plenty of evidence that their reps neither see them or care about what their communities need. They have seen the lack of proper reference material at the library, the lack of decent grocery stores, restaurants, and video rentals – services and employment opportunities that other neighborhoods take for granted. In this neighborhood they get the torn up streets, the abandoned houses, the litter, the pay day loan places, and the general lack of attention from both the city and the state. They don’t have to just see these inequalities, they have lived them and watching their representatives not caring about them or their needs.

Whew. While I was doing that Dogger was shredding a roll of toilet paper. I checked her food and there is no mention of TP in the ingredients. I wonder how much protean is in TP? I just love cleaning up shredded stuff, between Dogger and The Kitty I could have my own Ticker Tape factory.

Tuesday, March 9, 2004

Dogger was so excited by the Ask the Answer Dog question. It was the first time any one a posed a question to her that was phrased that politely. Most of the questions I ask her are more along the lines of "What have you done?!" or "What are you chewing on?". Dogger would like to request more questions that she can answer with out giving up a chewy.
Fear And Loathing On The Campaign Trail 2004

So I got this notice in the mail the other day. This is a first for me. I checked and I have received about 500 emails about the election, 120 from Dean, 51 from the Democratic National Convention, 154 from Kerry, 231 “Other” , 1 from Kuchi-whatever, not one from any of the other candidates. I was surprised that Kerry had sent so many. I thought Dean had sent the most. If you’re interested, they all started on or around the middle of June 2002. God knows how many before I started joining mailing lists.

My first election season snail mail came from my county Democratic party, it was informing me of upcoming dates of things, election things, really important yet, really boring things. North Carolina things. There must have a primary at some point in the near future. I think I saw somewhere it’s the summer, late summer maybe. They want to get ready now.

One of the dates is about the precinct meeting:

Join other democrats in your neighborhood for the start of the 2004 campaign! Help develop your precincts plan to get out the vote in 2004. Also elect delegates to the This County’s Democratic Party County Convention, consider resolutions ( which I read as Revolutions – I thought, Whoa! These democrats don’t play!), and other business.

Gosh. How very exciting. After that can we all go downtown to John Edwards office, hold hands and sing Clay Aiken tunes? Dayum. Politics is awfully exciting.

The next bit on the mailing was about the NC presidential caucus in April. I know nothing about politics on this level. I know that caucusi are important, and things are decided there, but can we do it later in the morning? It starts at 8 Ayam! on a Saturday! they must be out of their minds. Shit. How can anyone be alert enough to make Big Choices at that hour, on a Saturday! I should be finding out how many delegates North Carolina has and when the actual primary is, and if we all ready had it and I missed it. There were a whole lot last week.

It is really sad that everything I know about the process of electing a president I learned from Hunter S. Thompson? I mean, there is the cool factor, Hunter S. Thompson!, dayum. I’ve read Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail 1972, many, many and yes, many times.

I know that book so well I all ready had an idea how it was all going to come out. Dean was going to take the McGovern part. Big machine, lots of your volunteers, big ideas. Dean had a huge machine and it seemed to be skewing young. Dean was going to keep the machine going, he was going to win the primaries easily. McGovern had a terrific machine and an army of new pissed off first time voters roaring to go and willing to do almost anything for the candidate.

I had been getting emails from the Dean team since June 2003. A huge number, all of them breathlessly begging for cash, exhorting me to attended Meet Ups and Dean Parties where we would write letters to undecided voters and hear our candidate tell us to press ever foreword.

I didn’t go.

I didn’t give him any money. After a couple of hounded pleading emails and an early morning Christmas Eve call from the DNC, I sent them $10.

Nothing for Dean. I was afraid he’d flame out. He was McGovern! After all , He was supposed to lose spectacularly to Nixon in November! I went back to rereading my book. Wait! Dean was never McGovern! Dean was Gene McCarthy! Kerry is McGovern!

Where is Hunter S. Thompson when we need him? I need him to look into his crystal bong and tell me how it’s going to end! I need him to read all my election year emails and tell me what they really mean! Help Me ObiFreaconobi, you’re our only hope!

Monday, March 8, 2004

Ask The Answer Dogs ( and Counter – Point Kitty) Vol. 1



Hi Answer Dogs (and counter-point kitty)-

I'm having this problem, and I wonder if you can help me. My friend, call him "J" said that my shoes are out of style. I guess I just overreacted, but I kicked him in the ass with my out-of-style shoe-wearing foot. He's mad now and won't talk to me any more. I don't want to lose the friendship. What should I do??

Signed,
"But I Love my Chuck Taylor’s!"



The Answer Dogs had to ponder this question – as Winston and Bandit aren’t shoe wearers and Dogger is more of a shoe chewer, they had to study the issue before they could come to a decision.

At first the dogs were confused by the ass kicking part. For them, asses are for sniffing and not for kicking, why would you kick someone in their CV? . It took some explaining, but they finally understood the idea behind ass kicking.

“It’s something humans do when they are mad at each other!” Dogger said, “why don’t they just bite each other, its so much faster and more to the point, you annoy me, you smell wrong, I bite you, you go away, Makes more sense to me”.

“It’s not about a toy! This person had their thing insulted. The other person used a harsh voice about the persons shoe. The writer was only protecting their shoe from the harshness of the voice of the other person. The other person wanted to hurt the writers shoe, you understand that, right?” said Winston, “The writer had to defend their shoe!”

Dogger nodded, “Like when I was tasting Bandits ears? And you didn’t like it? MMmmm. Nummy ears! Where is the little dog and his ears?”

Winston throws down Dogger.

“ And you didn’t want me to?” Dogger says muffled under Winston’s chest

“Exactly” Winston says.

Finally, Bandit speaks up from under the couch.

“ You morons. Let me explain this to you in words your little brains can understand. Big Dogs, small brains! The writer has a shoe named Chuck Taylor. The other person treated Chuck Taylor like an old bone. A bone that doesn’t have much taste. The other person couldn’t understand why the writer still had the old shoe, the other person thought the writer should throw the old shoe away because -

“Thrown Away!?” Dogger interrupted, “The other person would take the writers old bone away? Just because it wasn’t a new bone! I have several old bones I play with a lot. It would make me sad if someone made them go away!”

Winston went to the window to bark at where a squirrel had been earlier. He thought he needed to go outside and bark at it some more, it might still be outside.

The dogs all thought about past squirrels.

“Exactly!” Said Bandit, after a momentary detour to Squirrelville, “The other person didn’t understand that just because the bone isn’t fresh, it doesn’t still have taste left!”.

So. They made their decision and they feel that the writer should not let the other person make them feel bad about their shoe, it is a good shoe even if it is an old shoe. All shoes are good shoes. The writer should chase the other person away from the shoes.

Counter - Point Kitty weighs in :

“Chuck Taylor’s?! Gawd. Retro is cool, vintage is cooler, a pair of 20 year old kicks are all that. But, new Chuck Taylor’s, Bah. Get with the program. Explore other foot wear options, Jimmy Choo, Manalo Blahnik… anything, the other person wasn’t being mean or trying to take away the old shoe, the other person was trying to help the writer out of a serious fashion crises! Something a real friend would do! The writer needs to say good bye to the clutter and hello! to some couture!”.

Sunday, March 7, 2004

HAPPY SUNDAY!!!!

Saturday, March 6, 2004

HAPPY SATURDAY!!!!!

Friday, March 5, 2004

Bold Face Words

from our friends at Friday Five. Com

At this moment, what is your favorite...

1. ..song?– When I’m listening to music, which right now, I’m not. I listen to one song or piece. The rest if the CD might as well not even have anything on it. I’ve heard songs on the radio and really liked them, thinking I’ve never heard them before only to find out I have the album and I ignored that cut. I play the same song or songs over and over. I will listen to the whole CD once, but as soon as I find the one I like, it’s all over for the rest of the CDs. Sorry. I do annoy myself with this sometimes, I was listening to a cut from the Monsoon Wedding soundtrack and as much as I was really, really, really digging on that one piece, it was a kind of annoying tune. And loud. I had just brought Dogger home then and I think it gave her taste in music sort of a shove towards the instrumental, she does seem to enjoy light classical and Enya. She is not into lyrics of any kind.

2. ...food? - I’m not much of a foodie. The late Dr. Atkins owes me big time though. I was eating a diet of meat and little else for years before he made it all trendy. With all these people eating all this iron rich foods, I wonder if blood donation is up? It should be. If all you’re eating is red meat, you should have enough iron in your system to activate metal detectors. But as far as favorite foods go, I love McDonalds. I know, they are a huge evil multinational and they do very bad things and are a big spreader of bad, nasty, very, very popular American Culture and are a symbol of everything that people hate about us… but, screw the culture haters! I’m Lovin’ It!

3. ...TV show? - Another toughie. I watch a lot of TV. Tonight I am very sad because E.R isn’t on. It makes me sad. Thursday Night is E.R night and I look forward to it all week. I’m also big into Angel. It is so good this season, makes me sad it’s the last one. I love Spike and I think he’s the shot in the arm the show needed. I’m also very impressed by Amy Acker! She is rocking the evil chick thing big time. She really seems to be having a good time. This is how the whole Jasmine thing from the forth season should have been. I wish Charisma Carpenter could have played it the way Acker is. CC is great, but she didn’t rock the part like Acker is, CC never really embraced the core of the character. I don’t know if it was faulty acting choices on her part or bad directing. I hope Acker works a lot after the she show is over. Wesley really grew a set too, he’s like going around killing people he’s mad at. Not super anger management, but very satisfying. Totally a different character then he was on Buffy. The actor is great, he’s another I want to see more of. I lust after Angel, but the actor is going to need to work like hell to bust out of the genre trap. I also enjoy, CSI-Miami, I know its not supposed to be as good as the Mother Ship, but after hearing the leads on that show bad mouth it over and over again – That sort of thing just strikes me as very unprofessional and so I watch it out of spite.

4. ...scent? - Honeysuckle and puppy fur.

5. ...quote? - I have a terrible memory for that sort of thing, I should try to write stuff down when I hear it, but I don’t, I have an ancient Bartlett’s Quotations… I just looked at the copyright on it 1903! I should be nicer to it – but… the only quote I can remember is from M*A*S*H and it’s not one of their best either, “…It’s Nice To be Nice to the Nice…” , from that weasel Frank Burns.

Have a great weekend and remember to Ask The Answer Dogs!

Thursday, March 4, 2004

Talk to the Animals

In honor of losing the ads on the site I decided to add a new feature to the site!

“Ask The Answer Dogs”

I have done extensive interviews, research, foot work, dirty work and a little scutt work in the pursuit of the best possible candidates for the panel I put together. The panelists are: Essentially? My nephdogs, Winston and Bandit, Dogger and Kitty. You have all ready been introduced to Dogger and Kitty. Get to know the other panelists.

Winston - The worlds largest lap dog, a neutered Boxer. He feels your pain and he thinks that a good hug would make it all better.

So that you can get to know Winston, I have included a brief Q and A with him.

Winston

D-So, Win

W – Winston? Thanks! Yes? Wait! Was that a squirrel? Squirrel! Squirrel!

D- Winston! Focus! So what do you see as the most pressing issues for Dogs and people today?

W-Not enough cookies? I think people should give dogs more cookies. And walks! I think people should go on more walks. Are you looking at Bandit? Look at me! Me! Me!

D- Sorry! Fitness! That’s right. It’s very important. What with obesity being a national epidemic, it is important to get more exercise. Are Cookies low in carbs?

W – Carbs? You sound sad. Do you want a hug?

D- Wow. Um. Ya wanna go for a walk?

W – Now! Lets go Now!


Obviously, Winston is a bright light and totally into helping others. I think he’ll make a great addition to our panel.

On to Bandit - a smallish, neutered, multicultural dog. Knows that a smallish dog is a most comforting lap blanket.

D - Okay Bandman!

B- Okay!

D – You don’t have a problem with that?

B- What? Problem with what? You are talking to me! Me! Talk to Me!

D – How would you handle a problem with a room mate?

B- I would hump him.

D- What?

B- I would hump him. Problem solved. Do you want to watch TV?

D- Ahhh.

B- Really, lets watch TV!

D- Okay…


He’s actually a really smart dog, later on in the interview he treated me to a treatise on professional wrestling and how is the last true form of theatre and how it’s a direct, modern version of comedia del art! It was amazing,

And of course, Dogger. She licked my face and ate some paper. Kitty… Kitty let me sleep until I my alarm went off this morning, the first time in weeks. Kitty didn’t want to be interviewed.

So. Write in for your little animals or ask The Answer Dogs questions yourself. Try it. It’ll be fun.

All of our panelist will answer your questions round table style, with each one putting in their opinions and view points and hashing out the best possible solution to your problem.

Wednesday, March 3, 2004

Insert Something Suitable



Okay, it's "later", Yay!


Is it over yet? Isn’t it time to go home yet? Gawd. Longest. Day. Ever.

I looked at the clock this morning, thinking it must be at least, say, 10:30 if not later. 9:15! I had been working like a puppy for hours and it wasn’t even close to lunch time yet. That was wrong. If you are too busy to be watching the clock, time should move faster not slower.

I’m working like a puppy so that this subpoena can be filled. My brand new temp and I worked so hard yesterday, well I worked hard yesterday, she wasn’t here yet. We worked so hard the lawyer is going to be in the office tomorrow morning instead of the hoped for late afternoon. Then even better, we got an almost identical subpoena for another set of facilities yesterday afternoon. So first there were the 26 facilities for two years that I searched for and more or less found, and now there are like 18 that have to be tracked down. The years are different, so that’s always exciting, and the latter subpoena actually covers stuff I have in the office, stuff I’m supposed to have in the office. God help me if those pages aren’t in my office.

So. And then there is all my regular work that isn’t getting done. And I’m behind again. It makes me crazy. I can never be caught up. Never. I can’t even get into the kind of caught up area. I was there, briefly, a beautiful place, caught up. Too bad I may never get back there.

Must. Stay. Calm. Must just plow ahead and do what I have to. And people keep asking me for stuff! They just walk in like I’m not over my head, and ask me for stuff. Do I look like I can find your whatever for you? Do you think I care about those letters that you turned in late and would be somewhere in the file, but not of course, where they are supposed to be, because you just now turned it in? I found it though. Thankfully. I think I would have lost it if I didn’t. I was not in an Accept The Things I Can Not Change place today. I was in a Kill Me Now place.

And tomorrow should be even more fun. I hate lawyers.

I was prepared or Monday to be a bad day. I psyched myself up all weekend to be prepared for the coming badness. Monday was not a bad day. I got all psyched up and then I ran out of psych. I spent the day just this side of tears. I wasn’t sad about anything, it was just the frustration and stress.

Tomorrow is another day, one day closer to the weekend… I have a temp who works hard and she will help me. I will get through this and onto the next thing and I will get through that too.

I hope so.

Hey, I have empanelled a group of top dogs and they want to help your dogs with their issues. The Kitty will have the counter point.

What the dogs will do is answer your dogs questions, about, whatever your dogs have questions about . Thanks to the fab babble fish thing, your dogs will be able to ask in People Speak. The dogs can be reached through me, at webmaster@thedianaverse.com.
Posting "malfunction"

Since I haven't actually been able to use my own machine for a while and todays entry was the first one I compsed from home in a while. I um, forgot to mail it to myself so I could get it posted this morning. Um. Sorry. I suck. I'll put it up later. I had a very rough day yesturday and I blame that. Sigh.

Tuesday, March 2, 2004

All dressed up and something to watch

I love the Oscars™. Despite their reputation as the town slut I love the Golden Globes™ too. I watched the BAFTAs™ for the first time and loved them. I spent Sunday night flipping between a rerun of the Independent Spirit Awards ™, loved them and their so lame it's kewl sing a longs, (a little on the See, We're Very Different And Edgy and not at all like the Industry we're Independednt… do ya know anyone hiring? wanna read my script? I can't pay you but we may get a distribution deal! So I'll pay you after that. HA. side) and the red carpet festivities on ABC. It was a bit of a culture shock flipping between the two. There was a lot of on purpose lameness at both events, actually.

In general if there is an awards show I'm watching, with the caveat that I do not watch music/Video/MTV awards of any flavor/topic, The Peoples Choice ™ awards until they ask me what I think, Teens Choice, Kids Choice anything, or anything calling itself Family Awards.

Actually, I'm less of a red carpet whore then I thought I was.

That still leaves a lot of awards shows. I watched the SAG awards all the way through, more or less for the first time. After the first 12 or so winners announce how happy they are To be Actors while holding up their Union Card while making eyes at Half-Pint - I got bored. They all talked about their salad days and how poor they were, from paying their heavy SAG dues no doubt. Blah Blah Blah Multi Millionaires Now. Whatever. They awarded Johnny "I Show up for No One and bathe For fewer" Depp a trophy for the Pirate movie. What-ever. I can think of a half dozen of his past performances that were better and more about Acting then doing a two hour Keith Richards impersonation. The BAFTAs didn't bite and neither did anyone else.

Depp was good before he fled to Europe and stopped bathing. That’s a long way to go to escape 21 Jump Street reruns or maybe he was running to escape the killer fame that ruined Leo Dicrapeio. Remember when he was an actor? yeah, before Titanic turned him into a Fame Whore. And made him stop thinking about his process and start thinking about his posse. He isn't an actor anymore and that’s a shame. He showed such promise in Whats Eating Gilbert Grape and The Basketball Diaries.

But Depp could be doing quality projects and while also not bathing. He didn't have to be a pirate. I would hate to see him over exposed. There has to be a happy medium between Ashton Kutcher fame whoreness and Bill Murrays fame fear.

Sigh Bill Murray didn't win. I really, really, really wanted him to win. I loved that movie and I loved him in it. It was some comfort that the screenplay won, but I still wanted him to win. He looked like he wanted to win too. It made me feel bad for him and made me really, really, critical of Sean Penns' signiture histronics. I'm going to go watch Meat Balls and whimper.

I do want you to notice that all the predications I made on Sunday came true. Go Me.

I was glad to see Tim Robbins win, which was a happy thing. I like him and his speech was good. The ladies were dressed uniformly appropriately. That was kind of boring. I was hoping for at least someone not to wear an over priced prom gown. But alas, taste was everywhere. The guys looked good too.



And of course the hobbit movie swept.

Monday, March 1, 2004

Home Again!

The machine got out of rehab again. And this time the machine promises to stay clean, and keep on its programs. It's been rough for it, what with scrubbing toilets and making its own bed and having to sit through hours of in depth therapy feeling all naked and takin apart. Its insides all open for everyone to see, every short coming and mistake left bare. It's so good to have it home again. No more mootching no more standing in line! until the next time...
Have a Problem? Complain About It!


Take a look at the page.

What is different? And not the links I fixed last week, something more obvious. Look around, what about it is different today verses, say Friday. I’m using the same template, I haven’t changed the words underneath it, it still says The Lost Kitty Lose Weight Now, On the Luddite Tour 2004 or whatever it says. I didn’t mess with the archives, yet and there are no new links.

If you said “Hey, what happened to the ad banner?

Ding!Ding!Ding Right Answer! I really don’t pay much attention to the ad banner. I looked at it occasionally and it was always dog and cat clothing or rubber boots. I thought that was about it for those ads. I thought maybe it was a keyword thing, ya know, I talk about Dogger and her new sweater and lo and behold there would be a Dog Clothing ad or something. I said something about the wonders of Rubber Boots and there was an ad, I talk about gardening and there would be some garden ads. Fine, no problem. In fact I kind of liked how they more or less commented on the content. I thought that was cool.

Well.

On Friday I noticed the ads had changed. Good, I get tired of looking at the same ones. In the place of the one Rubber Boot ad was an ad for the GOP. I was horrified. It was pimping the President, on my site!!!. I have no problem with rubber boots or pet clothing or organic vegetables, but the president!

That was below the belt.

I did kind of know on some level that the ads being somewhat in sync with the content was Big Brotherish. I knew that. But, it’s a free site and for free you get Big Brother. You just hope it’s a nice big brother and not the kind who gives you wedgies and dunks you in the pool.

Big Brother tried to drown me.

So. I went to Blogger support and looked at the run down of tech support topics. There wasn’t one for How Do I Get Shit Of My Page? , so I kept looking and found something marked “Wish List”. I certainly wished that the ad be removed from my page, so I went there. I wrote a polite, yet, pointed email, about how I was less then thrilled about the ad content and I would like for that ad to go away. Now.

I emailed it off, but didn’t hold my breath. I’m getting this for free, so I don’t expect a lot of support from TPTB. I’m just happy to have the site at all. I deal.
Well. I was able to check my email again, my machine mooching knows no bounds and I found first an automated response that said “Yadda Thanks For Playing! Yadda whatever” and then not ten minutes later, a real response! From a real person fixing my problem! I got an upgrade to a no ad page! I was and am shocked. Not only removed the offending ad, but removed all of them! For free! And all I did was complain. I could have just waited for it to go away, and then have it or something even worse come back. I didn’t want that. I asked and I was rewarded.

If you don’t like something, you can have it fixed. Nothing happens if you just sit back and stew about it. Complain to some one! Voice your opinion, speak out of turn, do something!

If I can do it, you can do it.

Blogger.Com rawks really hard.

Oscar postmortem Tuesday


short version - Bill Murray didn't win, waaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!